LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2021-09-03 14:23:28 (UTC)

september again

"Possibilities" by camoufly [this song reminds me of a song I listened to a lot last month, Chu Desu! It also has some Sylvan Esso vibes. I like it a lot. Sylvan Esso reminds me of Karina, which makes me heart hurt a little.]

September 3, 2021 Friday 2:25 PM

With September comes an immediate shift in the weather. The humidity has lifted and it's now a little too cold to be wearing the boxers I am wearing. The sun's looking like a pale gold too and it smells different outside, but I can still hear the whine of cicadas and crickets or whatever it is out there making that long high sound.

(There was a TikTok that recorded that sound and said "Omg it's Neon Genesis Evangelion in real life" and I laughed. NGE is known for the loud-ass cicada sounds in the background. Now that I think about it, it's sort of interesting that an understated part of world-building is that the weather is way warmer than it used to be. It's never acknowledged, but it certainly gives the world a sort of dream-like stasis. The seasons never change.)

This is the first time since I was 3 years old that I'm not going back to school. That reads: 19 years. It's—very strange. I feel kind of inert and useless. It's nice to at least be able to focus on my Mandarin Chinese tutoring, to feel some sense of stability and schedule. Running every other day to keep the days on track. Only allowing myself to play Genshin Impact after dinner. Everything is weird and I've been to like 4 different grocery stores in the past 5 days. I'm hoping to start cooking again. Take some weight off my mom's shoulders!

Yesterday, she said she and my dad were going to go to the nearby lake to kayak on Saturday. "Do you wanna come?"

I said, "No," because it sounded boring to me and I'd rather do my own thing. I'd pretty much always rather do my own thing.

Then she started complaining and guilting me—not that it bothered me, I actually thought it was pretty endearing. She said, "Bero, but what if I fall in the water and start drowning and you're not there to save me." But ultimately it's just that she's trying to squeeze in as much quality time with me before I leave.

It feels like I'm not leaving. It feels like I'm stuck. So it's not as important to me. Not that it'd ever really feel like I was leaving until I was gone—that's how it is.

Anyway, I conceded. Whatever. No skin off my back—do I really have anything better to do? It'll be nice to get outside.

I have to do my laundry today. I'm running out of gym clothes. I keep meaning to go to a store to buy some, and maybe pick up some new sneakers, since mine are getting pretty old. I had a dream I pulled some obscure muscle because I was running wrong.

---

Speaking of dreams—they're getting kind of annoying <3

I had another dream about Melvin the other night. Fuck, I think I've forgotten what it was. It's very weird that he keeps popping up lately but it's also not that weird for me. My brain be doing this stuff sometimes.

Oh, I remember now—it was a nightmare. His stupid friend was there, the one I kind of hate. Melvin was nice to me I think, it's hard to remember. It didn't stick. The part that was more vivid to me was the bit where I became his friend and there was a murderer chasing us. I was both Stupid Friend and Myself. I was trying to hold down the murderer while allowing Stupid Friend to escape and I got stabbed a bunch, LMAO. Blood all over my shirt.

He ended up helping me escape, actually, and I remember feeling like he was more human because of how afraid and cowardly I witnessed him being (nevermind that I was occupying Stupid Friend's bodies, and that those were my own feelings). He asked me about my stab wounds but when I lifted my shirt to check on them, they were just aching pimples on my torso, so I quickly pulled my shirt down and said I was fine.

The rest of the dream just involved as escaping.

I had another nightmare during a nap later that day—most of which escapes me, but the main part is that I was in a Stewart's gas station. Their app advertised the availability of a bunch of foods/goods that weren't actually available at the store. I felt greasy and sweaty and I went into one of those racing arcade things that is enclosed like a photo booth. I was playing the racing game and the seat kept vibrating and I ended up orgasming from that.

The nightmare part was the public-ness of that event and how ashamed I felt, especially because my uncle and cousin turned out to also be visiting the store (my cousin complained about how the app said the store had things that it didn't) and then my cousin went inside the racing game and I worried she would smell me—I woke up with a jolt.

Leave it to me to stay asleep during murder nightmares, but to wake up like that when I feel humiliated.

I had another dream last night, with Melvin again. We were in high school together. There were a lot of scary aspects to the dream that I can't remember anymore. He and his Stupid Friend were there. Melvin kept raving to people about how good my biscuits were. I tried telling him that I just cooked them from a box, but he wouldn't shut up about it, which was weird. And finally I was like, "God damn it, now I have to learn to make good biscuits from scratch."

Most of this dream took place on the track/football field, as we were all in cross-country.

He also asked me if I wanted to study with him, but I kept taking too long while packing my stuff. I was packing a suitcase of clothes—kind of like my dream last week about Dan.

In the end, he and his Stupid Friend left and I decided to go running because I was bitter at the Stupid Friend and wanted to work off the energy. And then I woke up.

Such a boring and stupid dream. My sleep has been too heavy lately. Also: these are the dreams I'm having? They always feel kind of bad... I don't really like it. Melvin being nice isn't bad or anything, but it also doesn't seem very in character for him to be so outward about his emotions, lmao. So I wake up kind of irritated with myself.

Eh, whatever.

--

I've been self-isolating for a while out of—some instinct. To protect myself when I have anxiety. And that tends to come with a growing sense of guilt. I finally managed to at least reach out to Ash yesterday, and then I was too worn out from that to reach out to the rest of the people I've left hanging.

I'll work myself up to it.

I'm not sad or anything. I've actually been quite productive. It's just that my social life is very sensitive to the whims of my anxiety. I can mostly maintain the rest of my life, but the social aspect is the least essential and the most exhausting, so it suffers a lot. I thought Ash would be mad at me for temporarily ghosting but she replied "Vernicke!" and I felt better. I really worked myself up for nothing—

I debated back and forth about telling her the truth or just moving past this moment and pretending it wouldn't be a consistent occurrence. Lol. In the end, I've gone the traditional route of ignoring my issues. The thing is, I don't know if she'd tell me whether she was okay with it or not. She describes herself as "nonconfrontational," which surprised me, because she's generally pretty blunt. But is perhaps more careful about her bluntness than she lets on.

Which is a very scary prospect, because she's extremely perceptive. So what has she perceived about me that I wished to keep a secret? I mean—I'm not good at hiding myself. My emotions tend to show on my face. I'm sure she's seen my pretending for what it is, but she's polite enough to not point out when I'm faking myself. I try not to think about it too much.

---

Yesterday, my Chinese tutor told me that I move my head a lot while pronouncing things, like I'm trying to map out the tones with my chin, lol. We had a really good laugh about that, even though I was kind of embarrassed, haha. It's better I realize it now though, than later, in China, trying to actually talk to people, LMAO.

She's so nice!!! It made me happy. I haven't used my happy jar in awhile—I should probably tuck something in there, maybe this event.

---

I've been drawing a lot lately. It's so nice. Cathartic. I'm not doing it for any reason, so it's just—good. Practicing drawing bodies in perspective is fun, if frustrating. I'm sort of doodling this story I've been writing about the moon motel. I have no idea how to continue it. I keep building up the world but not the plot, LOL. And not even necessarily the characters.

I've gotta think some more about it.

---

OK I want to get dressed and go outside because it's so nice out. I hope everyone has a good day. :)


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