My Boring Life
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2021-09-02 13:11:46 (UTC)

Do Your Demons Really Ever Let You Go

There is a song I like that starts off as " it seems like everyday's the same and I'm left to discover on my own." It's kinda true for me. Everyday does seem to be the same and everyday I'm so alone. My days kinda blend together. I slept a lot today. I'd sleep a few hours, wake up, take some zzzquil put something on YouTube for some background noise and go back to sleep. Did that most of the day. Nothing is interesting. Nothing makes me want to go out and try to have a better life. I just want to give up. I'm not wanting to hurt myself or anything. I'm honestly too scared to die. I just don't want to exist. That's why I just want to sleep all the time. I don't have to deal with anything. I don't even dream anymore so it's like my life has stopped. I have to do some work next week. I sandblast and sell headstones. People order them from funeral homes, the funeral home tells me what they need and I design and sandblast the stones. Then two guys from the funeral home pick it up and tak it out to the cemeteries. The money is good and I don't have to deal with many people so even though most of my life isn't great, I do like my job. Sometimes it makes me a little sad though. I got an order last week and the birth date and death date were only a couple of months apart. I decided to make a design with a baby sleeping on a moon with shooting stars around it. The family approved the design and I have to have the little headstone ready for them in two weeks.
I cancelled with Pinky last night. She offered to come by and clean the house for m bc she's starting a cleaning service. I know she was expecting to make some money so I gave her $100 and asked her to run my trash down the road to the dump and also to run a few errands for me. She said she felt bad taking so much money for what I asked her to do but I would have paid $200 just to keep her out of here. Its gross in my house. I want to clean it myself but I can never seem to get started. Where do you start when it's this bad? Laundry mountain, beer and liquor bottles everywhere, weed paraphernalia scattered about, and I don't remember when I threw food all over my kitchen cabinets but it looks like someone had a food fight in there. Weird, I don't notice things like that for weeks and suddenly everything like that is standing out like a sore thumb.
I hope I can get the house clean enough so Pinky can eventually come in.