Scream Above the Sounds
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2021-08-30 09:10:25 (UTC)

Pity and Fear

Do you ever just feel like everything is fucked? Like totally, absolutely, completely fucked. Because that's how I'm feeling right now. I think this has been one of the most frustrating summers ever, and I guess things have just been pretty relentless the last few months. There has been a lot of illness in the family, one of my mums best friends has been diagnosed with cancer, I feel like a social hermit right now, like more so than usual. My dependency for playing online games to find or maintain some sort of happiness is getting stronger, which can only be a good thing I guess, because I was spending way too many nights drinking. I guess things are just safer this way. Stay in your box, Edd. Stay confined to the four walls you're used to. I just feel miserable and I'm not sure what the fix is. I'm back in university in four weeks and I'm not looking forward to it. There is just too much uncertainty at the minute. I kinda hope they will continue the learning from home, at least maybe the first term. I got very comfortable with it and I think it's just easier for me. Campus was very foreign and I only went there about two or three times, I didn't even meet the entirety of my classmates. I'm trying not to think about university too much right now because it's just one of my many factors that is stressing me out.

There are a lot of things to look forward to pretty soon. Two of my friends invited me to climb Snowdon with them sometime in October, which is the highest mountain in Wales. I haven't really done any mountain climbing since I last went with Louise, which feels like a hundred years ago. So, it will be nice to tackle it with two of my pals. I haven't really read anything about it. We are in a group chat together and they have posted various links and I have just agreed to whatever. I've just told them to let me know how much it is and I'll pay for whatever it is we're doing. One of them is getting married soon too, so there is a lot of planning involved: his stag and actual wedding. It's not until December I think, but I'm pretty excited for it. Then before you know it, it will be my birthday. I don't even want to think about that. I've never really been much of a birthday person to be honest. I always get excited for others, but mine are usually flat. The last few birthdays have been really crap and people never really want to do anything for it, or if I make plans people just either don't show up or leave early, so I've kinda stopped doing stuff. I guess I feel a bit too old for it now too.

I'm also back running which is something positive. The couch to 5k app has been reborn and we're back on week 3. It has been pretty difficult starting again and I've lacked motivation a lot. My body clock was in a terrible state at one point and I was going to bed at like 2pm. Sleeping will always be my downfall I think. I'll never be able to work out and be consistent in anything unless I can sleep properly, but I think I'm feeling depressed again. I tell myself I want to do things but I just find myself either staring at the TV, my PC monitor or into space, and thinking about how things could be better, or different. I can't describe it. I just don't feel in a good place at the minute and I guess I'm burying my head in the sand by playing a lot of Final Fantasy XIV. Similarly to how I used to use WoW as a crutch. I think everything has gotten on top of me. Eating is a problem, sleeping is a problem, I don't even remember the last time I masturbated (for whatever that is worth..). I have managed to fix my body clock a bit in preparation for university. I've woken up at 9am for the last 3 days in a row so hopefully this is something I can maintain, but with 4 weeks in the locker ...anything could happen. I'm just fed up of feeling useless, or feeling like I don't matter. I found my portfolio of all of the work/merit/achievement stuff I've had from 2018-present in terms of studying and it makes me feel good, but then I just hit the self-destruct button and start thinking to myself 'why am I doing this?', 'what's the plan?'. I'm not sure I know where I'm going anymore.

I have to help a friend move house today so that should occupy a lot of my time. It will just be nice to get out of the house for a bit I guess. I'm gonna have some breakfast and have either a Coldplay or a Smiths morning. I'm undecided.

Title to this entry is also a Death Cab for Cutie song if anybody is curious. - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-GuSaiQEB4


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