If I die today
2021-08-29 07:48:19 (UTC)


So I was wrong about the fair it turns out C monster didnt come also nDea got home early so we went a bit a earlier. We did stop in the beer garden my love had a beer for me vodka and cranberry but they suugested addiing sieria mist so went with the added soda. I've failed tomention I've been on gas ex since friday to rid out any bloat for saturday but off that. Questionable burito at the fiar and we also had questionable dinner most our ingreindeents for the intended homemade pizza went bad so we had plain pepperioni pizza worked around the bad ones. anyhow mom texted me to my suprise this morning she wanted to say she loved the bag I got her. Feeling like I went overoard ordering on nDea's birthday but no turning back now oh well if he doesnt like it theres always a trash can or the good old regift but I have regrets. Feeling stupid I'm awlays a terrible gift giver anyway. I do have some gripes that run deep but I have to accept them. so yesteray at the fair the grandadaughter asked for her pic taken so nDea took her pic in the cute flower thing and at some poin he sent it to C. I do not get that if C wanted to come she could have and also what stopped his duaghter fro sharing that pic with her mom? I just dont get it and then at home in the eveing you know who called. yup seamonster and It sounded like she's asking for money oro something andwhining about a visit and the said something about that she thought nDea was working. to me I suspsect she didnt go to the fair thinking he was going to be late. Also What the hell how long does he have to be responisble for her? I undersstand she gets aroun 500 a mo of course plus food but still that kinda sucks and it shouldnt be his daughters burden but why should it be his I guess I will wait out her asking for and sharing things for a year. It struck me thou no matter what he does for her I have to admit we are not married his moeny is not mine. In my own thinking I have no say and that makes my commitment to him to GOD void a fraud. I'm really screwing up. Its going to take a lot fo courage to leave specially with nowhere to go but is God trustworthy I mean even if it saves me soul and I shiver outside sexless or whatever its all right I guess right this is a test or is it? Its just sad it will be months at best before I'm eligbale for marriage and do I really think he's ready to jump on that in that time. The world is changing fast and quick and I'm definly not complitment obiedent little citisheep. so I'm not sure where we fall. I have a hard timee gaging and measuring things and always have anxiety about underavhieving or being without so I'm an overdoer fo everything even when I'm screwing it up (unknowingly) in a unaccpetable way to society. i'm not quite excited or thrille but perhaps the right thing to do it leave I'm not doing that today but who knows what the future holds. as for now I want to reamin commited . so also thinking ok so no amount of money is worth loosing your soul or enterinty and so trying to brace myelf for those big descions when I may be cut off and have to go without. Well this is getting long so for now takin a break