LustingforNightmares

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2021-08-28 17:01:46 (UTC)

thinking about: sex and sexuality and also dreams


August 28, 2021 Saturday 5:01 PM

I'm trying to lay low—

Oh, I've had a lot of dreams this week, but I only really have anything to say about two of them.


1. One about Melvin.
The one about Melvin was okay. It gave me that same ache as the one I had forever ago where we were kneeling on the floor. But I guess it would, wouldn't it? Because it's about Melvin and, given the pandemic, there has yet to be an image replacement for whatever he symbolizes in my head.

In my dream, we were at a mansion the size of a mall, and there was a massive party. Some people brought him incidentally and we chatted a bit outside, and I remember that he looked really really good in his glasses. He was more open to me, for whatever reason. We went inside and the party was crowded enough that we had to hold hands to be able to permeate it. Only he started to slip out of my grasp and when I turned he was gone.

I spent a long time looking for him, even after everything had emptied out. He'd left without me, basically. That's not too wild a dream. Seems pretty cookie-cutter to me, really, but it stuck with me a little, because I always find the space he occupies in my head a little weird and creepy. How easy it is to release a cascade of thoughts about him. Oh well. If it wasn't him in that dream, it would've been someone else, and I'd've lost them all the same.

I had a dream years ago—years and years and years. 5? 6? 7? It was a faceless guy and he made me swallow pills like a dog, stroking my throat as they went down. They were sleeping pills. He kissed me and hid me in a kitchen cupboard and told me to stay quiet so they wouldn't find me, and that stuck with me too.

This kind of disappearing act always does. I had dreams like that with a fake brother too. Where I keep looking and looking and looking. I dunno. There are genres of dreams that I have, and this is one of them. Hide and seek.

2. And I had a dream last night about a conversation I had with Maria last week.

Last week—in real life—I was thinking about the ace/aro spectrum, and I sort of vented about it to Maria while she was very much asleep, lmao.

It went like this:

Me: how often do ppl think abt sex?? and who am i supposed to ask to figure that out??
Me: for fanfiction purposes, i was led to look up “acespec” which is the asexual spectrum and it’s confusing to me bc
Me: under the spectrum it says like… “under specific circumstances”
Me: like… yeah? i’m not turned on when i’m eating cereal
---> Me to Me: ugh that’s not what i meant, i’m not saying it’s not true, i’m trying to say that i don’t understand what “circumstances” (ha cirCUMstances) means
Me: besides, what even is sexual attraction?
Me: i don’t quite understand what that’s supposed to look like but if it’s something strong and immediate i DEFINITELY don’t ever feel tht lmao
Me: demi sexual is something i have a better grasp on and i like it as a label
Me: but sometimes i wonder??… if these labels are necessary or if they just cause distress.
Me: on one hand i’m like, ok, this is useful for quickly communicating ur needs, but only if it’s a well known term, and even then it will probably need some person-specific explanation
Me [Maria heart reacted this one]: in which case, why not just start w the explanation and leave out the label altogether?
Me: then again, labels are pretty comforting.
Me: then AGAIN again, labels can be even more confusing bc if u don’t feel ur cookie cutter it’s almost more isolating
Me: UGH WHAG IS SEXUAL ATTRACTION
Me: are people going around all day thinking “some sex right abt now would be good”?
Me: now that i think abt it, tho, my sex drive seems to be lower than other ppls
Me: ppl be having sex multiple times a week. i would DIE. no.
Me: anyway real q is that i don’t know how often sex is a thought in ppls head pls don’t open these messages in front of ppl

Me: oh the same ^^ goes for arospec bc i am also pretty unfeeling and i think u can relate to that, and it makes me wonder if ppl are truly able to connect romantically in an “easy” way
Me: from what i’ve seen, ppl like matt have more romance in their lives but only bc they care and they put in the effort to love other ppl
Me: which is not a big interest for me personally, so even if we were equally likely to stumble upon romantic feelings, he would still experience them more often than i would, does this make sense?
Me: so my question is: is romance actually easy to kindle or do people just try?

Me: lmao ahh. life.
Me: oh i’m reading a lesbian manga where the girl doesn’t rlly experience romantic attraction (at first so i think she be demi) and it’s so good [Here, I'm talking about Bloom Into You]
Me: that’s unrelated but it just occurred to me
---> Me to Me: correction, i said so good but it’s a lil weird, i don’t understand why the one girl likes her

Me: the reason i’m thinking abt this is bc 1) saiki is often headcanoned as ace/aro or both and 2) langa from sk8 is usually headcanoned demi, but sometimes ppl will also tag him as ace. i read a tag that said arospec and i didn’t know what it meant to i looked it up
Me: bro this avalanche of texts is gna be like the tiktok i sentu, its gonna ruin ur day
Me [heart reacted by Maria]: at least i haven’t read another vore fic

Me: i’m stupid i’m aso reading this on tumblr
Me: lemme go to an actual reputable site
Me: the oxford one was better but. too many terms
Me: i got tired and stopped reading
Me: hope the gods dont strike me down :/
Me: that sounds sarcastic but it’s not, i’m genuinely feeing a lil guilty for not reading more
Me: but i am sleepy
Me: gniten

7:11 AM [MARIA WAKES UP SO EARLY. bc they are crazy.]

Maria: I truly think there is no number or real answer to this question generally for everyone, it has to be based on genuine interest and societal impacts. Someone like matt is like, always looking for something so much that it bothers him, and i feel like i internally do too but then im like. No one touch me. So i dunno i dont think its like, drinking water right, because everyone has to drink water but not everyone needs sex

Maria: I was lead to believe it has to depend on what ur needs are in a relationship. Like friendships, i need a friend who keeps me sane, i need someone i can be a dumbass with, i need someone who i can talk about xyz interest with? Lol think of Todd in bojack, hes just looking for someone to spend time with, not anything sexual

Maria: Literally me saying im a non binary lesbian like that makes any logical sense ! Labels are hard, its something i talked to matt about once. Thats why theres so many of them, bc people dont fit in to any one label so they keep making more. But a fun fact that i realized is that no one feels fully attached to their labels all the time? I do not feel like a lesbian although those are my preferences, but im like ahahaah, im queer lolz
Yea, its all based on what youre interested in/looking for

Maria: Researching things takes emotional effort when its about things youre feeling feelings about, take ur time bestie

--

Maria really do be taking me too seriously sometimes, like when I changed my Tinder to include both men and women. It feels false, because I'm pretty sure I'm not bisexual, so I keep having to affirm that I opened it up like that in an effort to include a nonbinary population too... Idk man sexuality is so fucking weird.

I don't remember feeling particularly worried about being ace/aro when I was ranting. I am really just wondering—what is the context for these things? Really, do I think about sex as often as anyone else, or am I thinking about it less? Is the difference significant enough that I might have to frequently explain myself to future partners?

Again, I'm not ace. As far as I know, my problems with sex are mostly anxiety-related. That said, I am not really a horny person and I'd probably dislike having frequent sex.

I think the aro thing was slightly more interesting to me because I've never thought about it, mostly because I've absolutely never considered it. I have experienced romantic attraction, and attraction of different kinds for that matter. It shocks me when it happens since it's not very common. It happened twice during college and twice during high school so I guess that's a rate of 0.5 times per year.

I am counting only the attractions that came with "classic symptoms," and not things like with Moby or Diego—feelings that felt really. Quiet. And scary, mostly because of their greyness.

Which is why I've liked demi as a label. Not as a label I think I really have, but it just feels sometimes like—it'd be an easier way to explain myself in less words. In my dream last night, Maria basically told me again what they said in this conversation and I woke up feeling kind of weird about it. Just. Weird. Unsure.

Idk what this entry was even about. It darkish outside, it's been cloudy all day. I have to pee really badly. I've been watching a really bad show called "Accidentally in Love" to practice some Mandarin Chinese listening, but now I'm super emotionally invested, LOL.

I keep thinking about this one story I'm writing about a guy who works at a motel on an undeveloped moon, and entertains himself by having sex in VR chatrooms. Or at least that's what I have so far. The sex isn't explicit because I don't really trust myself to write anything like that. And also it's not really about the intricacies of sex—that said, I think there's a lot of merit in writing sex in that way.

Fanfictions are pretty frequently explicit, and it's always amazing to me, the way that—because it's such an accepted/expected aspect of fanfiction writing—the writers are pretty easily able to weave it into their stories without it being distracting. That, and it can even be the central purpose of the story without being... I don't know. Without making the story "lesser."

I think typically, we associate porn with bad storytelling, but I've read a lot of fanfiction where sometimes the sex is kind of the crux of the emotional arc. It's a very dissonant experience. People will tag it "PWP" (porn without plot) but honestly, usually, there is some kind of plot. It's just that that plot happens to be very much about sex.

I'm thinking about a specific story in particular, where there were 2 chapters, each one a different sexual experience in the same couple. And one explored main character A's usage of physical touch to combat the dissociative aspects of grief/depression, whereas in the next chapter, it explored the way main character B interacted with his uncertainties/insecurities, even in situations as vulnerable as sexual ones.

Anyway, this is all to say, sex in writing is such an interesting topic and it's very common in fanfiction in a way that it is not in books. In books, even if there is sex, it tends to be "literary" in some way. It's never written about as a complete experience, but usually drifted over without lingering, if that makes sense (and perhaps that's more true to sex as it fits in the larger frame of life—rather than the way it is written and consumed, as step 1, be horny, step 2, have foreplay, step 3, penetration, step 4, cum—like, that progression in itself is perhaps misleading, I am now thinking.... still, it literally never happens in literature, whereas it's pretty much the only thing you'll get in fanfiction). I think the best sex
I've ever read in a book was in Ocean Vuong's "On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous." Even then, the intimate physical experience of it—the detail regarding sensation/building pleasure/orgasm—isn't really talked about.

I have to pee too badly to really speculate on why lol. I just think it's interesting. I know I'd do the same—gloss over all that, because thinking about writing something "porny" makes me uncomfortable and unsure. Usually, I love writing about slightly uncomfortable ideas, but in this case, the idea that I could be associated with this shameful idea of porn.... it's too much for me.

Omg my kidneys hrut. BYE.


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