If I die today
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2021-08-28 09:27:39 (UTC)

that feeling

Well IDk if how much time I have to write since looks like nDea is out of work early so guess at some point were going to the fair. I'll gripe on that if I have a minute . Anyhow so property manemagmet came by yesterady ALLthe trailers are getting sprayed and well sh!t that freakin me out. I dont ave bugs and I dont want some dam stranger in here exspecially with nDea home but whatever who gives a flyin flip its just my fucking anxiety right? so the manger said we cant pick times and blah blah bullshit they start at 8am and were on the second day next week. nice freakin notice.soo this is my fault I get it I dont adapt well to change but sh!t hell if I should do anything special to accomadate them. and wtf tehre no garuntee of good weather that day and I own weapons IDK so as of right now tryin to get a grip on myself Im not doing shit to accomate this and just plan on waiting right outside while they spray and well whatever I decide to do after. Also I'm soo f'in lucky that I get to go the fair with my mans family which included his ex. Yay e yay us. SO I get to pretend like things are flippin wonderful even thou I feel like sh!t and that I have nothing to offer. and yay I get to deal with that. Right and I cant let her know we had some sorta disapggrement this morning andbottom line I quit I give up I'm notbuying another dam thing fo rthe house not keeping supply or stock o anythingfor anyone but me. See he thinks we goota organize and clean under the sink pantyr and stuff k I just emptied that whole pantry and cleaned it last week noone noticed nooone cares and well the other stuff IDK. Literaly I dont know what half og this crap is he owns as far as kitchwere and shit. Cleaning supplies and what not I have special needs to function but whatever and I keep some healthier options availabel for dietery needs the ndEa seems to find repulsive himself so whatefver. I emptied out everything out of those areas today that I bought on my own without him that were not open. He didnt say do that but Im the one that fucked up here and sadly embarrslying it wasnt all like for me I buy stuff that I think WE can use also I buy stuff that helps me dunction for chores. I dont wanna be fat and ugly either but whatever I guess this is the sacrigice I have to make and accept I have nothing to offer. I feel like i'm always screwing up and nothing I do is ever correct accurategood enough or to standard its not anything he did to trigger that it just strikes me I screwed this house up and it hurts my feelings bc I try. I'm just not happy. Allright well anyhownothing is new I finished buying ndea's bday presents today but not the bags n bows but whatever I'm sure he'sgonna think i went overboard and I did but whatever he doesnt like he can trash too whatever I clearly have some sorta disfucntion. well IDk my brain is getting scattered but as of t=right now I just feel like I have nothing to offer and I need a productive purpose. Anxiety is running high frustrations are great. IDk