Dr. W's Space Travels
2021-08-24 20:15:41 (UTC)

Space Cadet Sleeps with an Umbrella

Dr. Wood LXIV

The last few days I think I’ve been kind of having a man period. Maybe that’s a crude remark to make since I’m underestimating how actual periods feel (i.e. the cramps). So I’m sorry about that. Just not sorry enough to delete that statement. Yesterday the parts of the ceiling that the maintenance team spackled were sanded down, so I thought all was good. Then I noticed a leak from the ceiling of my bedroom… right at the foot of my bed. Fortunately, it didn’t land on my daki (I keep it under the blanket anyway so even for the lack of advantageous positioning, it would’ve served as another line of defense), but it did soak a little bit of the comforter. I think I caught it before it did any real damage. I got a bowl for it and moved my bed so it wasn’t in the line of fire (or rather, the line of water), and after a few hours it dissipated. Hasn’t reoccurred yet, but it frustrated me seeing as I feel like I’m on a quest to dam myself from the entire third floor. There is also some evidence of leakage on parts of my far wall, where the window is, that have come up over the course of the last few years. They were all one-time issues that went away on their own (so to speak), so I never reported them. Plus, for all the times that I reported the leak in my bathroom ceiling, I figured that was tied somehow. If the bedroom ceiling leaks again, though, I’ll report it, and I’ll just be upfront about the discolored parts of the wall from past leaks that I never mentioned. I just… really don’t want anyone in my bedroom. It’s such a personal spot for me and while I don’t distrust the maintenance guys, I’m worried about “opening my bubble”, if that makes sense. I’ll continue to monitor it… but that’s all to say, it kind of threw off my evening. Even something as small as shifting my bed a bit to avoid the leak was off-putting for me. The familiarity of my bedtime routine is so comforting to me that even the most minor unwelcome change bothers me. I did suck it up and deal with it, of course, but the initial thought of it was what vexed me.

Today I realized I missed wishing one of my friends a happy birthday. I texted her and apologized, and she admitted she was wondering why I hadn’t texted her and had missed her birthday. I apologized again, offering no excuse, and she seemed to forgive me, and then we talked a bit about general stuff. To be honest, even though I knew her birthday was this week, it kind of snuck up on me. But I did feel bad about it. That being said, another part of me was a bit annoyed. Just a bit – would’ve been more so if she made a big deal about it (she didn’t). I think there’s a lot of pressure to make a big to-do out of someone’s birthday. Like, I don’t really care much for people wishing me a happy birthday, personally. I might make it a special occasion for myself (e.g. when I took off work for a week this year for it), but there’s something about hearing “happy birthday” messages from people that bothers me in a very weird way. It’s like being the most important person for a whole 24 hours. I mean, I know that’s not actually the case, because most people will say “happy birthday” and then go on about their day without another thought to it. But still, the fact that I am on their minds for at least a second, enough for them to say something nice to me, makes it seem to me like I’m a celebrity. And then of course, there are people who go above and beyond and send me things or, like my mom, brother, sister and aunt did last year, actually come to my place to deliver amazing goodies. It’s certainly not that I’m ungrateful for it – I’m very much the contrary. But it’s like, regardless of the cliché of “all my loved ones love me all the time”, it all comes off as if I’m extra loved that one day. And then when that day is done, it’s someone else’s turn to be extra loved, and I have to wait another year for that kind of comforting attention. Sometimes I wish I could just skip my birthday, or just celebrate it personally while everyone else forgets about it. Oh, and for some reason, the thought of turning another year older always brings back memories of more innocent days, and receiving messages of how people are “so proud of the man I’ve become” heightens that bittersweet nostalgia. It’s strange. So yeah, I’m weird with birthdays, though I’ll try to do my best to submit to that social pressure and wish everyone happy birthdays on their birthdays. I just screwed it up this time, and it was with someone that was affected by my thoughtlessness.

It’s not lost on me that I’m a total hypocrite, by the way, as I make those little anime things for people’s birthdays on The Friends Club. I just did a couple for two friends whose birthdays happened on the same day, so my work was cut out for me then. Also have three more coming up… so I’m doing my best. Anyway, that missed birthday kinda dampened my mood. Then towards the end of my work shift, there was a mistake that I made that was pointed out by a very new sales rep in my region. It’s a mistake that I think a ton of other rating analysts would have made, but nonetheless I didn’t like that I was potentially leaving a bad impression on this rep. There have been a few work mistakes lately that, in the grand scheme of things, were quite small and easily reversible. However, I felt very sensitive to them for some reason. I can kinda feel the work stress that I went to therapy for a few years ago slowly creep back. That was a very unpleasant time for me, and I’d like to think I’ve grown from that and accepted my imperfectness. That coupled with not yet hearing back about the results of the job interview has been a source of anxiety for me.

It does feel good to write this all down, I’ll admit. I’m already feeling better about it all. I guess one last thing that’s been bothering me is that lately I often feel like I’m not using my time well. I can’t seem to decide whether I should focus on total self-care and having fun by myself or with stuff like playing Splitgate and AMQ with people on The Friends Club, or if I should be doing something more selfless and what one might deem as “fulfilling”. I feel like I say a lot in my entries about how there’s so much opportunity in one’s life to do different things. Yet I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a Groundhog’s Day rut. I still try to do things to diversify my activities – for example, I made karaage using my anime cookbook last Sunday. It was quite good! At the same time, though, it took a while to make, and I got two meals out of it… one of which left me feeling hungry still after. I don’t know… I’m saying a bunch of nonsense, or at least that’s what I say in reaction to myself divulging the discord in my mind.

I don’t really wanna talk about that stuff anymore – it’s starting to bring my mood down again and I had just gotten to a better place this evening. There’s also a bit more to what’s been annoying me but I won’t go into it. I’d rather focus on happier things… and hoping the ceiling of my bedroom doesn’t cave in. Okay it’s far from that bad – oh, and I should clarify that the maintenance team did say they were going to investigate the bathroom leak a bit more, so that’s another reason why I’m holding off on reporting the bedroom one, since they may be connected. Anyway, y’all already know what time it is: mandatory Maitetsu status update time! I’m on the Kisaki route now, a route that I’d very much been looking forward to. Kisaki’s such a fascinating character – very business-minded and always focused on lucrative ventures, and yet still strangely personable and endearing. Quite different from Hachiroku, Hibiki and Paulette (kind of on the same level as Makura, though). I’m curious how long her route will be, seeing as the main three girls’ were 16 chapters, though Makura’s was only three. Hoping for more than three, ‘cause I do like Kisaki a lot. Paulette is incontrovertibly still #1, though. I’m even using some of the animated CG of her as one of my desktop wallpapers (I swear I’m not lonely… I swear it…)

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