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2021-08-24 16:19:50 (UTC)

I deleted it. If the deletion ..

I deleted it. If the deletion even worked. I don't think it's the first time. Yeah, I look demented. Probably.

IDK. I should probably just give the harsh honesty that I don't feel I'm getting. Just tell J I'd feel better if I didn't see him again. Because he doesn't want to talk, and he doesn't want to make time. He didn't even feel the need to tell me he was going to be at the same club. So what's the point? At this point our relationship is effectively parasocial.

And it's not like this is the first time he's been dishonest. Like, the one time I went to his under the pretense I was going to help him tidy, because I wanted to spend time with him more than I wanted to go clubbing, and when I arrived, his flat was tidy already. Like, tidiest I've ever seen it. And I pointed it out. I should've demanded an answer, why couldn't he just tell me he wanted to spend time alone with me? But I wasn't that mad about it because it meant more time to play. Should've taken it as a warning.

It's the classic fucking Anxious-Preoccupied X Avoidant relationship fuckery. He pushes away his painful feelings of being hurt by me and denies it even though it's obvious. It's the only thing that makes sense and I'm tired of ruminating on a stupid little manchild who can't admit to himself... And at the same time I know why, and how he feels. I'm not too different.

But also still like, fuck him. I did my best.

I still don't know what I should do. I'm just tired of it. I just don't want to fucking cry in the club over him for a 3rd time. It ruins my make-up and makes me look like a dumb drunk sad bitch.


It's...well not funny exactly. But it's A Thing. Thinking back. Lot told me a while back he had feelings for someone, and I told him I did as well. Well, I can't remember exactly how the conversation went, but now thinking back, I reckon as soon as I said I was going through something similar, maybe he felt like his feelings weren't going to be treated as importantly as mine. Because of his experiences of dealing with familial grief.
Like, I don't think his heartbreak felt like the same all-encompassing crazy-making pain and guilt and anger of my own, but how can I know for sure if I didn't talk to him about how he felt?