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2021-08-24 11:43:43 (UTC)

Funny how learning a new word ..

Funny how learning a new word or term can help solidify an experience. Common language putting weight behind concepts.

"Cowgirled" or "Cowboyed" though ofc, SJW that I am I gotta use "Cowhanded."

Yeah I'm PMSing, and I was drunk, but still the fact that seeing him can just feel like a punch in the gut and make me cry still.

And he doesn't get it. Or, doesn't seem to. He has no interest in me, or in effective communication.

How can someone go through life being so self-contradictory? Maybe through years of thought-experiment bullshit.
It's almost gaslighting. Maybe it's entirely gaslighting? Maybe he's known exactly what he's doing all along and just uses that gap between my emotions and my logic to fill in with... Idk what I'm writing. My head feels weird now.

I wanted to say:
"I've tried so hard to communicate with you and you just don't seem to get it. I'm tired of trying to explain away your indifference towards me. If one can't be honest with oneself then one can't be honest with others."

But instead I said "I suppose if you ignore any problem for long enough, it sorts itself out." A jab is less vulnerable.

We don't know anything about each-other now, anyway.
I just have to crush my optimism and walk away.
I have to be optimistic that I know what the best thing to do in this situation is, for me.

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