Gentleman ♀

Success???

Hello again,

It's 12:30 AM on a school night right now so sorry if this is rambly but I really need to just spill TUT. Also really quick, sorry if I don't write as much or stop writing completely, school just started and I'm still getting used to my seats and classes so they're not boring enough for me to write during them yet XD. Anyway, I hate myself. But I'm sure you knew that by now so I guess I'll go into specifics... again...

So first off, my clothes. I feel like such a boring person. There are all these cool-looking kids at school with excentric makeup and unique clothes... They make me soooooooo jealous! They're so pretty and cool and they stand out. ACK! THEY JUST MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM! I'm so jealous its fucking patheticccccccccccc. I'm hopeless T^T. I've been trying to dress more excentric lately but I don't think it's working, I've started wearing mascara, a little bit of jewelry, and layering unique clothing but I still feel plain! I don't even do it to be pretty or cool I really do like it but I feel like I can't do it good enough! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! Whatever at least I'm trying :/ .

Second, maybe I'm just ugly. I mean- it's not too far of a stretch. People like tiny little skinny girls. And I'm fat and tall so I've got no chance. My friend even told me today that she feels bad for me since no one likes me (as in has a crush on me). Because of course, Kiarra got another kid's number. I'm so sick of feeling worthless and stupid and disliked! I'm in 7th grade I should feel like infinity but instead, I'm stuck in my dark room at 1 AM writing in an online diary while listening to my self-hatred playlist. I feel pathetic. So I've come up with a solution ^^.

So at first I just wanted to starve myself like the stupid little shit I am. And it actually worked... for like a week. But of course I had to slip up and just fucking stuff my face. I came home from school and ate like three servings of my favorite stew. I felt like I was gonna puke... And then it clicked, maybe I could just puke it all up. So I did, I went in the shower to cover the noise a bit and shoved two fingers down my throat a few times. It was my first time so I didn't really puke too much but it was a start for sure. So now my new plan is hopefully foolproof with a bit of effort. Don't eat breakfast, barely eat lunch (and if it's really good then just try and quietly puke it in the bathroom), then eat most of dinner and take a shower after and puke most of it up. Of course, I have to work on puking more quietly and stuff but now I can seem less suspicious, eat whatever I want, and still get skinny!

Third, I hate how antisocial I am. I upset all my friends and even lose some of them. I know I bring him up a lot but it's like with Michael. We used to be best friends but now we barely talk. On the bright side, I'm in the same pod (pod: a group of classrooms with one group f students sharing the classes) as him but were only in one class together if we don't meet in the halls. I've started talking to him a bit more now but I know we'll never be the same and it makes me sad. I wish I wasn't such a dumbass and I just texted him more in the summer between 5th and 6th grade. I'm such an idiot! Anyway, I also stressed Riley out today too. Mind you she's just a bit emotionally unstable so it was an overreaction but I still hate myself for it. So we were planning on walking to circle k since it's like a 15-20 minute walk away but I had to eat lunch at a weird time. Then none of my parents were home so I couldn't go. Then my dad told her I was allowed to go when I said I couldn't. All lousy excused cause I didn't wanna go... or at least that's how Riley saw it. But in reality, I was eating lunch at a weird time since Hailey (my sister) had to eat before a soccer game, I was home alone cause, my mom was working and my dad and sister were at soccer, and my dad meant was allowed to LATER and I meant I want allowed to go now. According to Kiarra who was with her at the time, she was having a heart attack cause she th0ought I didn't wanna hang out and felt bad telling her and she ended up spamming me but I didn't get any messages till she was yelling at me and I had to explain it all to her. And they wonder why I never answare- I'm so sick of peopleeeeeeeeee.

I'm too tired for this so I guess I'll write soon! Bye-bye! *grabby hands*
~Gentleman