If I die today
So since my last measurment at the docs yesterday nDea helped me meausure myself and I'm coming in at 5ft 1 as opposed to my 60inches since well what seems like forever. You used to able to measure by me. This is a bit exciting its been over a year thou since a doc has checked my height or anyone for that matter. So thats pretty cool I have to say its likley has a lot to do with the classical stretch programs in the height of my training for running in 2020 I was doing 2 programs a day of the stretch. Anyhow that give some lee-way in my weight but lets be real I'm just gettin fat gotta make some better choices. WAs able to sleep in today but I dont think I feel asleep till after 10. We venterued to a near town today that I havnt seen but once very breifly for my walkwithchirst. So anyhow I saw somethings I like it was about an hour each way we stopped in a thrift store and low and behold guess what we found for 2.50 literaly 2$ and some chump change guess what its a PUR water filter and its white new in box sealed and all. OMG !! so I'm super happy with that we enjoed the thrift store and the town I felt like if we decided too I could like in that town. Anyhow so a lot a lot going on mentally and in the planning range so from the bgning last night in the mail DSHS paperwork came soo anyhow I'm bracing myself to budget for 800amonth bc I'm preparing to just tellthem like it is and truth is well I dont techincally pay rent and althou I do provide my own food to an extent I think its fair to call it shared my bills are probally close to 300 if I coundt storage interent and my loan but the atty thing is killin me. Time to buckle down to what counts but who knows maybe they will suprise me wiht news I'm still somehow qualified I am on the lease here so IDK. I feel stupid calling him my friend so Ill have to call him my boyfriend just tell them as is. I dont want to cheapen him or discount the relationship and I want this relationship more than things I mean I want us and him to ahve nice things but I guess its us that matters. Anyhow I ordered the bag today for mom as a final REAL retirement gift I decided to opt out on getting the extra wallet and other ideas its one nice thing and you know what thats enough. Just also shipping wise i didnt see an option to get the bag and any other things I was considering on the same day so well I had to give a little and settle but you know what its okay. i think I'm okay with that. I really want to gift my mom for her bday a one month subriction to classical stretch so I'd like to get her a ruko as well but I am having trouble she said she would try itbut Im going to need to really talk to her before mid sept when I buy it bc it is nerve racking I see the concern that well roku does need billing inof but I've had mine since like feb or maybe even Jan it was a gift from nDea and not once have I found a supsoious charge I dont look super hard but I feel ok with it and that she can do it. Its better to get the app bc you can choose anyworkout or goal and any of the instructors its very practical. I think it has something to fo with my healing in every way its been such a help and so encouraging and its been a thing that sorta empowers me . I've grown a lot . Literally. Anyhow so the whole realtionship ordeal its alwasy something in my mind I hd a sad guilt feeling today. unprovoked just in the car on the ride home feeling like I'm cheating him out of seeing his granddaughter grow up and I cant shake it but I also cant confirm bc I do give options to meet them outside the home. IDK maybe there is something specaila bout seeting a child in thier own home. But does he need me to do that? Its probaly time to just give up on the whole C thing whatever thier relatioship is or isnt or what he she me whoever anyone defines it as it has no impact on us other than I think he's getting taken advatage of and manuplite I suppose if we were married I would probaly be more nosey about any any sorta exchanges between them but we're not. Right now thou I really want to gaurd myself is that selfish? I feel selfish? How much should I give what is right? Today I pondered what would I want I mean to desire the grandmorther miss out on the childs life is wrong too but thats the olny other reasonable option. and thats messed up to want her to be seprated. thats nonsence. Maybe I
m not good for him for them for all of it. Thats sad but maybe this is messed up. what is the way out on my own. Also what happens to him if I split would he understand and what about his realtionships will he fid love will his daughters mohter be dumped back in his lap bc of guilt? Its all a bit to think about. In other news I'm looking to getting him at least some shorts for his bday I have a few ideas I really wanted to get a trugger pointthing for his shoulder so like that can hook thing but its soo over priced on line. I also want to do more. He did say the chiropractic visit is 40$ but Im having trouble figuring out how to gift that since thee whole self suffication thing I cant just go in thier and prepay and give him the recpeit? I dont think also I dont want to give him that if he is oign to have to be smoothereed thruit its not good for that I dont believe its good to have your breathing covered when being treated chiropracticly. but I'm not the expert. so what to do. I dont know . Anyhow in other news nothing too much physically. A lot of feelings and concerns thinking about housing also do I just need to really really crack down and save everydime and penny for US togeet somewhere with a shop I see it in him and hear him I know a shop would be ideal he is willing to do an apt or whatever but I want him to have that and how is tht possible? can we do it and is that best and should I keep enduring this relationship knowing that right now I actually dont know if he will ever be my husband or if I can be what he needs or wants and I will be needing a husband once I am qualifed to be married for my own peace of mind and heart I want to be pure and have that relationship I feel like i'm just commited now to this and that it will or would or could prosper but I fear now we olny have one life I dont want to rob him of expiernces he wants or needs.
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