My Boring Ass Life
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2021-08-21 01:51:08 (UTC)

I haTe My Lifeee

Hellooo people out there!

Small Update: The birthday party went surprisingly fine. I just got ignored a bit

I just wanna rant again about my life. Like fuck man. Fuck. I hate my life. So this was awhile ago, but I came out to my crush as bisexual, and it went really well. They were super nice, and so so supportive. She talked about how her mom supported LBGTQ rights, she had a friend who was lesbian from the US, and she wasn't awkward at all about it too. But then it just kind of hit me, that my crush is probably straight. She's mentioned that she's straight before, she's supportive of LBGTQ , and I just came out to her. It doesn't make sense if she were to hide it, you know?

Anyways it kind of just dawned on me, and I feel like shit. I got wayyy too wrapped up in my fantasies, and I even imagined us growing old together (I know I'm crazy). And now it just hurts so much, that she probably doesn't like me that way at all because she's straight. I just feel so disappointed because I'm so in love with her. I feel so happy around her, I feel so loved, and the highlight of my day is when she texts me. But now I'm faced with reality, cold stupid reality.

I really thought that she liked me, I really did. We would flirt with each-other sometimes, and she even admitted at one point that she doesn't usually like flirting, but she likes playfully flirting and teasing with me. I was so happy, that I couldn't stop laughing to myself (like a manic) for one hour. And most of the time, I'm the one who initiates being flirty, so the next time we met up I did not flirt with her whatsoever. No touching, no contact, nothing. And guess what? She started flirting with me at the very end. At this point of my life, I was like "wow I bet she likes me too". No dumbass you're wrong! Ya anyways. That's my 1st reason why I hate my life, because my crush doesn't like me back, and my delusional fantasies will never come true!

The 2nd reason why I hate my life, is because I hate myself.

The 3rd reason why I hate my life is because I hate my family. They are so mean. My sister was talking smack about this girl she didn't like, and she's attracted to women. They made fun of her sexuality, and their partner (because they are non-binary). And to top it all off, they made jokes about her sexually harassing other women because of her sexuality. My mother even asked my sister in a joking tone if she had flirted with her, or touched her. Like fuck man, that shit hurts like fuck. I really wanted to start bawling my eyes out there, but I can't out myself. I just had to hold it in, and laugh along. I failed though lolooloooo, I ended up running away but, I think I did it in a pretty cool way, like an undetectable way. And I just wanna say this, but I would NEVER sexually pressure someone, or sexually harass anyone. Never. Period.

Continuing on with the 3rd reason, that interaction made me realize that I will have to repress a part of me, a part of who I am, for at least another 6 years. It's already so hard, and I have so much left to endure. I won't be able to love who I want to love. I feel so trapped, I don't want to be homeless, I don't want to be abandoned but it's fate. I'm trapped. I feel like a sneaky centipede roaming around in a house filled with disgusted humans wanting to throw me out, to stomp at me, to scream at me and I don't know what to do but to hide.

Anyways that's all folk! Byeee! Also I don't feel like editing it sorry :(

Fun Fact: I've cried while writing all my entries.