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2021-08-18 20:10:06 (UTC)

A Simple kind of Complicated

You know I know his ways so well, that I ponder in brief moments whether he expects me to accept those ways. The thing is he can compromise and he is very understanding, even patient but at what level does he translate balance between two people to be acceptable. Surely, considering two people are connecting that would mean we find a balance between our ways. I wonder, is it him who is more patient and understanding or is it me. We both are thinkers, truth seekers, philosophers in our own ways, but it's always been a mystery as to where he expects the balance to be.

I can gather all my knowledge of him, use the psychology of it all to try to find it, but that doesn't work. You cannot use psychology to understand that point at which he prefers you to be, not with him. Where he wants you to magically form your own understanding and exact point of eureka in knowing why he encapsulates the epitome of fight or flight. Moreover, he isn't a fighter. He could be and do it exceptionally well but he isn't. He is the flyer, always running from what feels too good. Enjoying it for a while, then his insecurities smack him around the head and BAM! In his mind, he is back to safety. But there is nothing to fear with me, I am a nurturing woman. I hold on and hold tight when I am given the same, and I will let go and walk away without drama if he turns me that way.

It's a case of just being us, without fear, without worrying about tomorrow. That's all he needs to understand and then those moments that pull him away from everything he ever wanted, would have already been his.

In life, people often wonder should we listen to our hearts or our head. There are decisions in life that almost definitely one would say is a "head" moment rather than the heart, but at 42 with much under my belt of experiences, that I could write not so savoury novels about. Happiness, contentment, peacefulness and fulfilment that give you the highest sense of wellbeing and wholeness in yourself, are decisions lead by your heart. Your wishes and desires, hopes and dreams are fulfilled by your heart's guidance and your discoveries, knowledge from lessons and reflections are best guided by your "head" decisions.

It's an easy key to life's best memories, I only wish I learned it sooner but since understanding this my life is better than before. I am authentically free, old scars, fear, doubt, do not hold onto me.
I hope he finds this too, and if he couldn't, he only needed to take my hand and walk with me.