If I die today
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2021-08-17 14:38:12 (UTC)

what to do

Well I forgot to read yesterday or maybe I just didnt. So far havnt today . But I have a plan instead of writing while nDea plays his game I'll go ahead and use that time today. I orginally was thinking I would exercise outside while he played but smoke came in unexspectly to the area after our run this morning. Did 2 excersize videos Stuck with the one or 2 vitimains and all thee usuals same old same. Feel like I'm progressing in some ways but still not enough a little falwed and still feeling like things just dont work out as they should for me skillwise/cleaning.housewife blah anysorta talent. I'm getting along with nDea great and normal but we cant even touch the C issue and I till fear thats gonna bring us down and havtn been content in my heart is it okay to stand my ground saying no to homes does still leave options open but its still also a little akward and uncomfrtable for everyone. But being forced to be "frieends ' with his ex is an offence to me it offends me that he still has some sorta relatonship with her. IDK what excatly it is or their terms I know its not sex but also I think he has a commitment to her of some sort that seems a bit much. I also feel very bad bc his daughter and family are in the middle. Anyhow I dont know what the future will bring or what to want or hope for what is good what is best for us both together or even as induvauls. Oh and today when washing my french pres. Well I broke it shttered it feel off the counter and thats affecting me. I'm strugglig spacewise with the kuerig out but also dont want the hassel in the am. Other thing is when getting it out the shed at first I wanted to stupidlyattemtp to search thru my boxes for my pourover um yeah its al a mess aint gonna find and and well good chance I pitched it anyway. Oh well but anyhow I made a mess out the shed too. Issues Issues. Having struggles being productive with my time here on earth and any sorta real purpose or passion. so trying one thing at a time. While doing chores for one hour I did unplug the interenet again and did some more praying in tounges thru the time as well. Right now I'm going nuts wanting to shop n shop feel ing like I have needs. This afternoon I ordered a new press but then like I need coffee right? and blah blah oh and I need sweatpants more sweatpants to just be cozy. but I did not purchase the clothes today so I guess thats a strenght. Bowls. I need more dispoable bowls isnce soon ill be on a new pacakge . Just frivilousiness if thats the word its all futulie usless shi!t that I've spent my time and energy on to amount to nothing at the end the day and I still need to brace myself bc maybe I'll be single again if thats best. IDK I cant even talk about it I get too upset I mean talking is an option but it hurts and does lead to extradged emotion within me if its brought up its hard to be calm. not violent emotion thou just ugh feelings and proaly harsh harmless I suppose but yes I think i would walk away if he HAS to have his ex over here and if he cant bear the fact that his woman doesnt wanna go to his ex's house then its just too much guess thats our breaking point. I hope not and dont wanna hurt him and ceritnly not wanting to be the mental emoitonal abuser and want to live out what God has for me particulary as a woman and want to uphold Gods role as a woman. I suppose I have a few minutes now so can write something maybe starting with A is a place to start today I'll go with my brother

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