Esmeralda_Bramble

Like a Moth to a Flame
2021-08-16 18:18:09 (UTC)

boring stuff

Nothing new here. Nothing important to write really. Nothing gut wrenching nor excessively "painful" to write. I guess that's good -- I've reached "homeostasis" (big word, not sure if I'm using correctly, hehe) yet again. By no means my life is perfect, over the weekend I was succumbing to my depression yet again. It was triggered by my failure to pass the driving exam to obtain a learner's permit. I was feeling high and mighty while taking the exam and then I made 4 mistakes which prompted the computer to terminate my session. Hah! Of course I felt stupid, embarrassed, and all the negative stuff, yet again. I wasn't as productive as I was over the weekend. I also bought cakes and other junk foods. But come this morning, my mental state is fine again. I guess work prevented my thoughts from beating myself up and occupied my mind with more productive ideas.

Ah, I tried a meal service... Cook Unity. They deliver prepared meals, and the first order is discounted (50% off). I tried the grilled salmon thingy, it was delicious and more than satisfying. Looking forward to trying more meals. Here's to hoping more orders from them. I found lots of negative reviews for the service today, I'm crossing my hands that the service in my neck of the woods is better. *cross fingers*

So I'm going to try again, to obtain a learner's permit. My main goal now is just to get a state ID. As for driving, I need to muster all courage to try and learn. I hope I will be able to find a patient instructor who will help me build driving skills and confidence to drive. I know for a lot of people driving is as easy as breathing. Unfortunately, I'm not a lot of people. When it comes to wheels, I'm really challenged by it. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I have some sort of learning or similar disability, I just find it difficult overall. Plus factor in my age, height, poor reflexes, poor eye sight --- one would think that I should not be driving. I'm thinking that too. But for now, I would like to try and see if I will be able to do it. At least try before throwing the towel. I miss my independence. It's hard to rely on people to help you get where you want. I can always do the Uber or Lyft but it can get expensive!

Ah... there had been sickness going on around my familyhood. My sister was rushed to the emergency room a week ago due to rapid and erratic heart beat. Turned out she has thyroid problem, I guess hyperthyroid, that explains her weightloss (she's down to 92 to 95 pounds). Then my brother, back home, tested positive for Covid. His family hasn't been tested but since they hang around each other, and everyone has colds/cough, they're assuming they all caught it. I hope the vaccine worked. He and my mom have completed their vaccine, but it's just Sinovac. Hopefully it works. My SIL just got her first shot, and the kids are too young to get any. I hope they only show mild symptoms. I remember my BIL had pneumonia with Covid, fortunately he was able to recover and get better. So yeah, a bit stressful too, but trying to be positive that they're all doing okay. I kind of stalk them if they go online on messenger, at least I know they're well enough to go online.

Work-wise, oh my gosh! It's so refreshing to get paid on time! I was quite surprised when I saw that my pay has been direct deposited. I wanted to cry! I hope it will help manage my finances better. Work's been okay for now. I'm on my 3rd week. I am working on some research projects my boss doesn't have time to work on. I'm learning the different public use data sets available and the internal data. I kind of feel bad I'm unable to help the team, they're all swamped with work but since I still don't fully understand their methods, I don't want to mess things up. So for now, I'll try to learn what I can, contribute as best I can, however small, and maybe in time I'll be able to catch up and function as intended.

I've stopped working out again. Ugh! Not good! I just feel so tired, even though I haven't really done much. I just want to sleep, lie down, or sit and eat. I just have no motivation to do anything beyond the essentials. I don't know, I'm really a hopeless case when it comes to keeping fit. I'm feeling like I'm just waiting for my life to end. *sigh*




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