If I die today
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2021-08-16 14:07:27 (UTC)


Ran this morning for a few minutes with the dog the air was thick but by far more clear. Planning to keep running this week . I backed down to one of the 2 adays a day and the 3 plus 1 xr on vitmains . I turned off the tv at 10a for an hour until 11a and I feel like I was putting more effort into chores. Struggling mentally with some sorta resulation for me and nDea for him to not FEEL like I'm holding him from his family bc well his family seems to include his ex.Althou I feel reasonable willing to have dealing with her outside of HER home and my own. nDea got an offer from a past job 3 1/2hrs away for 20$an hour today. He thinks itll be hard on his hands thou. NO matter what he decides I'll be her best I can. But I wonder if not moving a distance will seprate him from her. Am I being selfish. IS it this bad IDK needs a lot of prayer and patience. I dont know if I am mature enough for us. I'm not drinking today and I guess this has to go day by day for me nbc I get sad thinking i can never drink again. I'm planing to workout outside on my video after nDea is home today since its nicer out and I'll have more room. I want to get nDea a chair like mine maybe a differnt pattern but lightweight folding chair with sidetable I thikn I paid about 60 for but its waayy overpriced now so IDK and if I'm not gonna be here with him in a few weeks then why bother. I love him like no other but i dont know if I have the mental capability to accept and or understand with his exact realtionship is with his ex. and yesterday she gave him a joint and that burned me up and why why would he take that when he has his own supply and why would she give it to him just for no reason. I dont trust her. I think he has unfinished business emointioanly and mentaly with her and IDk what healing for him looks like but its not reasonable for me to excpect him to cut tiesright away and it seems harsh to put her daughter in a postion should they want to visit that she has to ward off her motheer at the door. IDK. I feel like i'm hurting him holding him back from his family bc in the way he does things and live I guess going into thier home and having her over is a part of how he relates to family and he seems to want me to engage and even if I'm not here I wouldnt want that woman in my home. Repeatly I say I'm weak I'm prey for narstacit and or phsycopaths I'm a fool and easily manipliuted and she seems like she has a way of maniplating and using that I will fall victim to if I accept her in my life mistaken her not as a enemy. It also feels like he has been defending her. She needs no defence to me my feelings matter and should be respected with my bounderies right? IDk but somethings gotta break I feel unstable I dont feel like I can hold on to this realtionship with these terms less he can just accept that I dont want her in my life and he can visit his daughters house without me and I dont see any reason we should have to ever have his ex over if I am not comfortable not even outside. However I dont think he can accept or respect my feelings and bounderies but for today theres grace everything is as is I love him I trust him and I want him. havnt had so much a well rounded diet latley mainly unnourishing crap the yogurt and raises and almonds this morning may have offered something this morning but IDK I think we'll probally need to go get more groceries soon and get some more accesible fruits n veggies and also I need a wakeup in my body to go ahead and make the choices to eat them when its an option. Well I'm dirnking my 3oclock coffee gonna eat some applesauce and then try to be productive

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