If I die today
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2021-08-15 17:06:38 (UTC)

cut it out

Last night we went thru a bottle of vodka with cranberry and some orange juice. Just hanging out here the 2 of us. so really feling that today. I'm not sure what I'm on the brink of is this the end o drinking? Is this nearing the end of the best relatonship of my life? We talked till about 3am and just goofed off but serious talks about the C-monster and the whole bounderies thing he thinks C is renting the room and going to his daughters house is fine her room can be her space. She rents a room. Honestly I dont get it barf. I wnt nothing to due with her and think its pretty f'ed up for someone to be so freakin close to thier ex and I think he's brainwashed and things he says like shes just reminging him to visit his family blah blah to me I see it as bullshit I think shes louring him to her. And minuplatiing things. IDK for now for today I think things are okay but Im not sure how long I and he will endure with the needs for bounderies I have and his emphasis of family and odd need for me to go to thier house and let his ex be welcome in my territorty soo IDk. preparing my self to split. Which will be sad and embarassing and heartbreaking but I might have to do it. So other things like my frustration with myself anf own failures in disccion cause me to get loud and nasty and he mentioned I get like that drinking soo IDk maybe I really gotta cut it out. I want ot make some changes anyway. it would save a few dollars a week as well and also within my moral compass it fits in better to stay sober. I tried chicken strips today for dinner at zips they were not great but so far no bad reactions they had to go read the box to tell me there was no eggs in it since the inof was not readily available on thier website. The building was warm hot humid and neasuating smell of bleach while we waited we had the orders to do. nDea's food turned out wrong very wrong discuting. Anyhow took promethizine around noon this morning had throbbing headache behind my eye. Tormmow im going to cut back to one of the 2 a days and I'm thinking if the smoke is clearining out walking the dog asll the way to the river. i think we'll make it. The air adviosry is in effect until tommorw at noon but its signifinalty better today. Still havnt showered today. Feel like I'm on a self sabotaging stage of life not sure what to do with and in a few weeks will be nDea;s bday and i dont see why I should HAVE to be a part of a celebration with his eX. X X X x means no. so Who knows but am habing in and I love him and want to love and be with him I just dont know thou I may have bit off more than I can chew and might be spinning into some sorta disfunction patterns that I have lived my whole life so trying not to spin out of control, I dont want to sabaoge myself or us and theier no need for wrecking the stability and Wow I have never known a love like this before so gotta turn myself a round get it together but do I have to particiapte in events invading the home of his ex and is it approaite for her to come into my terioty and make me uncomfortable. I dont deserve anything so IDK