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Scream Above the Sounds
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2021-08-11 23:17:22 (UTC)

I'm Sorry I Couldn't Save You

I can't believe it's been eleven years. I've just finished looking at pictures of us, as kids and as angsty emo teenagers. You always had way better hair than me. The pictures awaken memories I've not thought about in a long time, like when we used to play with Lego and K'NEX at your house, or when your sister was pressed up against the front door to stop us from getting in, and when we finally managed to push it open we ended up smashing the window. I remember your mum 'banning' me from coming over for a while after that, although I can hardly be fully responsible for that one, can I? There are loads of pictures: primary school, birthday parties, skate parks, Metros. Metros actually reopens soon, I imagine I'll likely end up there. I'll have a drink for you.

I don't usually cry, but tonight I do. It's hard to write about you because I know nothing I say or do can bring you back, and I wish you were here. I wonder what you would be doing with your life right now if you were still with us. I know you would have certainly kicked my backside into gear a couple of years ago and got me into education sooner. I wish I could remember just the good times but it's impossible to forget the night you went missing. I wish I was there, I'm sorry. I still have your message, pleading with me to join you for that night out. You had just been accepted onto an apprenticeship and you were going out to celebrate. You demanded that I make an appearance, and me being the degenerate unemployed bum I was couldn't make it, I let you down.

I still don't understand what happened that night. I remember my mother telling me of your disappearance, images of your face circulating across every social media platform. I already knew. I knew I'd never see you again at this point. I remember my mum telling me that they found a body in the river. We cried, and cried, and cried. It's grief and guilt I've never been able to settle or let go of. I don't know what happened to you that night, I'm not sure if anybody does. People suspected that maybe your drink was spiked, and you were found on CCTV walking home in the completely wrong direction, in an area you would never walk. A friend said hello to you earlier at the bar and they said you failed to recognise them. At that point I wish somebody did something. I wish I did something, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.

The pain, anguish and guilt I felt, I FEEL for not attending that night shrouds me this time every year. I would have got you in a taxi, I would have taken you home.

Thinking about this batters me emotionally and I know you would tell me not to blame myself, just like everybody tells me this, but I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

I love you, man.

Edd


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