Unhappywife

Surviving life with a narcissist
2021-08-10 14:15:22 (UTC)

Rainy day

Last night I slept better than I have in forever and it was all because of the thunderstorm going on. We needed that rain for a long time and it felt so good to see it, hear it, all the kids slept like babies. I love the rain, it brings such peace and it feels spiritual to me sometimes. And luckily enough, I opened my window wide and the rain was going the other way so I kept it open to listen to it all night.

As I was going to bed, I was feeling moderately happy because of the rain and wanted the asshat to come lay in bed with me and listen to it. We used to do that when we were younger and it was my favorite thing in the whole world. Just cuddling and listening to it fall. So I took the chance to text him, since I had no idea where he was in the house. I told him about the rain and thunder and how nice it would be to lay together and listen to it. His response.... "nice". I kept reading that word over and over again. Waited to see if he would come to bed or text anything else. Nope. So I lay in the middle of the bed, cuddled my body pillow and just listened to the rain by myself. I closed my eyes and imagined laying on someone else's chest, talking softly, just being in the moment. I was so sad, but I kind of knew he was going to ignore me, so I have no one to be upset with but myself. I pleasured myself and imagined someone else over me. Satisfying.

I hate that he doesn't get me anymore. He doesn't appreciate or understand. There are times when I want to go for a walk or just sit out in the back and enjoy the quiet because our life is such chaos. But he always finds ways to ruin it or the Neverending chores once the kids are in bed. Sigh.... sometimes I really detest having a romantic heart. Guys never appreciate it. If asshat only knew that if he even cared about me a little bit and put any effort into us, we would have everything. I have so many wants and needs in bed (and other places) that he never fulfills because it's always about him. Plus, if I suggested something he would accuse me of doing it already. I can't win. The stupidest part of it is that I know he likes skanky women. I see the things he looks at. He just doesn't want to do anything with me and I am tired of begging for it.

So last night could've been something special and he rejected it. Oh well. I still enjoyed the rain. I just wish I didn't have to enjoy every good moment in life by myself. If I had Riley, he would've jumped at the chance to cuddle with me. He loves rain as much as I do. We used to talk about that at work all the time. I miss that guy...




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