Jenni's Diary
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2021-08-10 03:53:54 (UTC)

Better than me

Lately, my self-esteem has been on the low. I think of myself as not good enough or not professional enough or not outstanding enough. I feel as if everyone is better than me. I could've applied for this higher position in this department that I have worked for 2 years now but I decided to back out and not return to the department I worked for to focus more on school and my career goals. But seeing my friends in that higher position that I could've gone for, makes me a bit jealous and envious. Not because they got the position but because I know they have a better work ethic and professionalism than me. I am really proud of my friends who got this position and they deserve it from all the hard work they have done. It makes me think that if I wasn't such a fucked up person and had a bad year then maybe I could've gotten the position too. I can't blame others for my mistakes and faults and I know I can learn and develop my skills as I go. Sometimes I just wish things were different. I don't know if this is my god complex coming out or my depression has been on a huge low ever since I stopped taking my meds. Since last week, I've been feeling like a weakling in a room full of lions. I have this huge weight on my shoulders and a lot of pressure and high expectations set on me and it scares me. A lot. I can't slack off this time and I have to put my A-game on. I want to be seen as a professional, dependable, trustworthy, and resourceful. In the work environment that I am in within this department, it is as if I say or show any sign of weakness, it'll fire back at me and make me be seen as unworthy for the job/position. I really want to better myself as a professional and person this year so I can develop and grow and maybe even apply for that higher position next year.

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