legacy

If I die today
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2021-08-09 15:19:33 (UTC)

freeloader

Theres a lot on mine. First off thou on the physcial well lifes allright still a little weak and less than standard engery levels. Got in a walk with the dog this mronign. had all my vitimains blha blah nothing extra I'm off the allerga-d now. Trying to get things situatied . Oh on the walk this morning it was later than usual since it was cooler than has been recently passing planned parenthood I' was impressed and interested to see this one protestor a man out there yelling to he person in the car hey hey you waiting in the car I'm heere to help I have resourses (anyhow his callings out went on to say more I didnt catch the whole story ) Wish I would have been able to see if this actually is making an impact. Not sure what I think of it all just yet. lCaro caled this weekend and we couldnt touch base bc phone malfunction but just caught up we have tentice plans thursday. Anyhow she asked if I went to chruch and I said nah I'm kinda away from all that church stuff and she said whatever . I belive that whatever means ok well you suck or something anyhow i think it was some sorta dissapprovl but what are you going to do. My mom tried to call this afternoon but hung up said she had to respond to a work call thing and would be back in touch. I did read today when I woke up from a nap at 156 and I was suprised that it was 208 when I finished so I guess I endure longer than I think I thought well if I make it till 2 reading I'm doing okay. Thinking of what strikes me today and I'm having brain fog now. Anyhow back to lCaro so I lived with them a loong time too for nothing no rent nothing. What do I owe them? IDK I guess I really really lost my marbles and my way so I've lived with them nBenjamin's, rAmber, aTany and who knows I think the list foes on and on wayy back to the time of at least west gardens or whatever the name of that "program " was. long history and here I am. so IDK basicly right now I'm not at my own exspence and to top that off this man endures a lot he is pretty beatup and broke down physcally draining and exhasuting but he endures his work and pays the bills keeps going back for more althou he is looking for an easier job he sill pushes thru. While I skim my teeth at housework bc I'm tired and recovering from a headcold althou it is fair to notee I literally suck at everything so what do ya do when you cant do it. Its freaking hopeless to exspect me to wash a dish with anysorta postive result or well the list goes on of things I cant do. /but thats what disability is for I guess. Literally I'm pretty much untrainable and forget about communitcating with me why I repeatly go into cycyles of mouring my failures and rejection. Even when something seems succesful to me I find out that its a joke a screw up. IDK I'm in rut but best make peace with it and do my dam best to not surrender my life to the mental health system. If I had remained in that ADF home think about what freedoms and oppruinites I would have missed and what the value of my life had been there and honestly i wouldnt have done well mentally with a pandmenic there and I probaly woulda had to surrender to the systems soulotion . I still just dont know that I'm maximusing my life thou I spend a lot of time sleeping . I'm starting to feel bad about my ama-zon habbit so I have signifuly cut back over a few days but I'll be dammed if I didnt have the need to buy one thing today so it was scrub bing bubbles for the toliet but still Its a cryin shame while I have a little stock it was time to resupply. right? or no is this unreasonable. Things I try to deal with within myself. What good is scrubbin bubble when shtf? Also do I really think we will endure a lifetime toghet while I am hopefull things are comming pressure is on and who will surrender and who will accept someone who resist my life may get a litte mor limiteed. Guess Its a much larger matter than physcial. Anyhow I love this man and wouldnt ever want to be seperated so even if maybe he cant produce what are we gonna do/ does it even matter thou? Allright well my brain is pooping out on me but a lot to try to absorb in my head trying to workout my wrongs and do right but what is right also the whole thing I want to live as a women a female as God inteded and I'd like to live that role in full and its hard to see where that fits in with everything i think about in life althou I do very little so guess I havent too much hurt my role


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