Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
Ad 2:
2021-08-06 19:27:51 (UTC)

🎵"Love, I Get So Lost Sometimes..."🎶

I can't stop crying all the time lately. It's not PMS because I'm as far from that time of month as I can possibly be. It's not even post-MS. It's rare, but some women can be hormonal for a couple days after their period. It's been like a week, though. I just need to cry so much all the time. When I can't, I get angry. I hate feeling angry. I'd rather cry. Of course, it wears you out, but its so purifying and cleansing. Its cathartic. I might go listsn to "Sing" by Blutengel after I write this. I love that song. I swear there's not many songs out there about death and grieving. Usually break-ups. Can't relate. I can relate to unrequited love... though, none of that matters in comparison to my husband.

I bought this movie a little while ago called Charlie Bartlett. I got it because Robert Downey Jr. is in it. He's great in this movie, but so is the lead actor Anton Yelchin. Rest in peace. He was so cute. So sad what happened. I read that they won't cast anyone else to play Chekov in future Star Trek movies. Good.

I watched Star Trek:Into Darkness after that. Got into it. Cried. I won't spoil it, but there's definitely a scene any Trekkie would cry at.

After that, I listened to voice recordings my husband made on his phone. Much of them are me rambling about whatever. Lol. I wasn't able to copy them down, as I had intended. I'm having trouble doing this because it's so emotionally overwhelming.

I have his last voicemail to me begging me to come to the hospital. You can hear the sickness in his voice. That one kills me.

I'm going to cry every day so much for the rest of my life, aren't I? Until there's someone to wipe away the tears... if there ever is again.

I've started talking to myself constantly at work. Then, when I say I want to die and people LAUGH. Can you not tell from my tone of voice that I'm NOT joking, bitch?

How DAFT can people be?!?!?!

If there's a way I can stop talking to myself so much, as well as not talk to anyone as much as possible, that might be ideal. Just talking to God in my head, constantly.

My life might not be a living hell. There's people going through much worse, which... is insane. My life is a nightmare, though. I'm trying to turn it into a much prettier dream. The problem is, I'm stuck in a dream, no matter what.

I face reality as little as possible because I almost can't handle it at all.
I'm making efforts to improve my life, as far as cleaning my room and personal hygiene goes. These things still don't seem to matter much to me, but I'm making efforts towards them, just to be fighting complete and utter despair. Fighting for my life! Also... I just don't want the stress of disorganization.

It would have been nice in high school if there were a principle or teacher as hot as Robert Downey Jr. Just saying.

He's just a little too old, famous and married for me! Tom Hiddleston is only too famous... not sure he's single or not. Can't believe Taylor Swift broke up with him (from what I heard). I know it was years ago, but I really don't understand! Lol.

Also... I've started seeing Tom Hiddleston as a blonde, "good" version of Loki. Lol.

I know this was probably all over the place. Last night, I slept an hour or two at a time and kept waking up, with my lights on all night! Not good sleep. Could be part of why I'm crying so much all the time, lately.

I want to watch Thor and go to sleep.

It would be nice to dream of Loki.