Tati

Background Noise
2021-08-07 21:44:11 (UTC)

Low expectations

I’m utterly amazed. At your ability to come back full circle. As well as, your performance this week. Having acknowledged all your tasks and the way you ignored all of them in the end. Repeatedly stating, no, not even stating it, just writing it down or typing it again and again. There has never really been any actions taken, aside from failed attempts to stay awake for a whole day.
“Pathetic.” -Keqing

Even this self-scolding has happened once before. I remember. The only difference is that my bed is in another position.
I’m not puzzled, no, I completely understand. In fact, I’ve touched on how my life, or rather, my actions are repeated in a cycle-like manner. I can also say that this is probably just another acknowledgment. I mean, tomorrow is Sunday. You’ve been saying you’d ‘pull a Todoroki’ but have nothing to show for it. And I just think that that’s ridiculously pathetic. Not even pitiable. If anything, I only have schadenfreude regarding you feeling so bad about yourself.
I cannot tell whether I’m speaking to mind or body. But in the end, I’m aware you shouldn’t separate the two, because there aren’t two. There is only you and your fickle thoughts that do nothing to help you change.

💭Misery always wants company.

I don’t necessarily care about your struggles, or whatever random stupid thoughts you may have throughout the day. I don’t care about your headaches or the pain you get from sleeping the wrong way. I could not possibly care less about your self esteem issues.

I just want you to get out of bed. Maybe then you wouldn’t have so many problems. If you feel so bad about your voice or making noise that it stops you from living life like a proper human being, maybe just shut up. No one’ll mind, I’m sure. Maybe then you’ll be able to get all those things done. Communicate properly rather than wasting your ‘smarts’ on dumb things that you think are a good use of time.

I am you and you are me. Of course, this isn’t coming from my thoughts, but my brain. Weird difference. Maybe it’s the difference between thinking to myself and thinking for the purpose of writing it down.
I just do not want to bear witness to this utter lack of progress any longer. I’m tired of laughing at your pitiful “efforts”. Tired of watching you clean up mess after mess that you’ve made for yourself. Seeing you procrastinate on the simplest of things. It’s plainly stupid. You’ve been acting stupid. And it’s all so stupidly funny that I’ve completely forgotten to laugh, no, never mind the urge isn’t even there anymore.

Maybe that’s why you feel fine right now. Because you know too. How meaningless all those words you’ve written down are. How many tears you’ve shed over nothing. How you haven’t wasted any time actually trying. I suppose it’s possible that a few of those thoughts were true. Of course, I believe that one about you not having earned anything. No one’s going to give you a medal for acknowledging it y’know.
It’s okay though. Because you have about 2 weeks left to pretend that you’ve been trying this whole time and get things in order. Let it be known that you are being timed.

Don’t worry, I never had any faith in you anyway.


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