Sadcookies

My Boring Ass Life
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2021-08-06 21:49:05 (UTC)

Long time no see!

It's been awhile since I've wrote an entry lol. So i'll give you a quick brief update of my life.

Recently...
- I've been hanging out with my friends out more
- Got the first dose of the vaccine when my dad was gone.
- I came out as bi impulsively to one of my friends (and now i'm worried that she will tell others lol)
- My dad actually stayed at the airport for 2 days because they promised him that he could stay at the hotel for FREE, and get FREE food! (And it was a good hotel too). But the reason he chose to stay there at the hotel for 2 days because, it would be hard to fight the 6000 fine in court since he was offered stuff for free.
- Got in an argument with my dad (and i hate to say it but i feel so so so guilty even tho he was being unreasonable)

For the argument with my dad, basically him and my mom were arguing about his hoarding problem. Then he suddenly got all crazy, and thought his wife had left him. (lol, it's happened before alot) He started asking(really loud) about my mom to text her and ask where she is. He was being kinda aggressive and stuff, and started to blame me that my mom left since "I don't care about her" (apparently). It was so embarrassing since my crush was playing video games with me, and heard my parents arguing and heard my dad kinda yelling at me. I brought it up the next day and how incredibly embarrassing it was, and he got offended. He said it a "family problem", therefore I was involved in the argument however I wasn't helping out in aiding in "family problem", so it was kinda my fault. you little fucking shit, its not a motherfucking family problem your just a stubbon old fucking hoarder you little fucking bitch ass fucking cutnt. How is it my problem?! I was just fucking playing video games with my crush, and needless to say, it was so so awkward being scolded and my fucking crush heard all of that! And when I talked to my mom about it, she told me to be understanding and to understand his situation. And oh My! you know what my mom said? that I have to be understanding since "he didn't sleep very well today". Oh No!!!! He didn't sleep well?!!! That's horrible! But guess what, I have been waking up around 3 am breaking out with hives all over my body, getting barely any sleep, however, I haven't been acting like a little bitch and projecting my anger on others.

The next couple of days, I acted like an adult in the relationship and bonded with my father and said "I love you", "Good morning, did you sleep well?", giving him lots of hugs and love, even if he give me shitty comments back. But something was different this time around, a couple days later(today) he said to me EXACTLY!! this, "Thank you for being nice with me when I act mean to you" I am still shook. My dad kinda said sorry,... to me?!?!??!?!? WTF!!! NEVER IN HIS LIFE HAS HE SAID SORRY. and you would think I would be happy, however now I hate myself. For some reason I feel so guilty and I feel like I wronged him, and I can't help forgiving him. And I hate myself for this but I'm just going to love him only to get my feeling ripped apart. I don't know why I'm like this. I wish he would just hate me, at least I wouldn't be so emotional. I really feel like I wronged him, I am holding myself back from saying sorry to him. I'm so pathetic, the second I get good attention from my father, the second I become a stupid little bitch. I hate everything.

On another note, I'm getting the second dose of the covid vaccine tmrw, and I'm going to have to lie to him and hope he doesn't find out. And my mom's driving me, and she told me that if I get caught, to leave her out of it and not to involve her. I get it, my dad's scary, but I wish I had someone that would protect me and love me. I feel so alone. On one hand, I'm a feminist, I believe in standing up for myself but I can't help in wanting to be protected and wishing for someone to come and save me.

That's it for today. Sorry about the grammar mistakes, I got emotional while typing if you can't tell lol.


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