Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
2021-08-05 19:17:56 (UTC)

💖Bad Boys With Hearts Of Gold💖

I don't deserve to be with B. Not because he's too good for me or vice-versa, but because I liked him so much when I really shouldn't have. At a most terrible time. He did make me appreciate my husband more and really, I liked him so much because he did remind me of my husband. I was relieved when he left, though after a short time of depression. He was a distraction and I needed to focus on my husband more. My husband died less than a month after he left.

I hope B is happy. He cheered me up at a shitty job during a shitty time of my life.

I won't feel guilty anymore for liking him so much, but I'll accept that I can't be with him. That's a repentance of sorts. A punishment of sorts.

He seemed like trouble, anyways. Not that my husband wasn't. To sound cliche, I like the bad boys with hearts of gold. I think when they love, it's more intense. It's never boring. It can get to be a nightmare much of the time, though.

My husband had issues, but so did I. I was so much worse than him in some ways. He cared about me and loved me, though more than anyone in my whole life. Way more. He did the best he could. When things were finally turning good and we were finally doing okay, that's when we found out he had Cancer. He died about 9 or 10 months later.

And my life has been a living hell since.

I do my best, but accomplishing stuff is a double-edged sword. I say that, but it actually just hurts. Sure, I'm free from the relief of toothache, only because I got some motivation to go to the dentist. Yeah I called and made the appointments myself and had the hardest of times getting to the first 2 - the first one because of my stupid job not wanting to let me out an hour early that day. Yet, there was this Asshole kid who bullied everyone around and was always able to leave early whenever he needed to. They treat a hardworking employee who's been there for 10 years like shit and this lazy Asshole like gold. That was infuriating. Thank God, he's gone now.

I was only able to pay for the dentist because of stimulus checks. Fucking depressing. Who knows when I'll be able to go back. I don't think I need to, though. I have like, one wisdom tooth still, so I might need that pulled, eventually. I don't get toothaches at all anymore, though.

I'm not sure how to conclude this. I didn't expect to rant about all this stuff.

What's kind of funny is I now have a massive crush on someone my husband tried to make me feel bad about liking. This might sound really bad, but I'm talking about a fictional character - Loki. Yeah, my husband said he was "weird-looking." Okay... maybe he was jealous? 😉

He liked Ginny in the Harry Potter movies. I thought he was weird for that. He said she was graceful. I, of course, like Draco. I ship Draco and Luna. I just imagine he would fall in love with her and she wouldn't judge him the way a lot of the other characters might. He would retain some edge (of course), but she would help him become much less of a bully.

I know such a trope - the reformed bad boy. It's not that unrealistic, though. I've experienced it. 😉😉😉

My husband and I may have been something like Sandy and Danny in Grease. And yeah, I probably became more like her at the end of the movie, but only with him. And yeah, he "shaped up." Lol.

It was like a fairytale. We went through so much hell, as well. He didn't deserve to die at 47. I don't think most people do. He's at peace, no more pain, happy. But, what about me???

I'm crying writing this. I needed an emotional release. I didn't realise I had to get all this stuff out. I really don't know how to conclude this...

I love you, forever, MT. 💖💖💖