Gentleman ♀

Best Friends And Insecurities

Hello,

So ummmmmmm. I'd just like to start this entry off with the fact that my grandpa did in fact pass on... It was around two to three weeks ago I think and I just didn't feel like talking about it. I'll make another entry talking about the family drama that came with that later but for right now Imma only talk about the stuff important to my self-pity-party. So I found out about his death at the worst possible time, I was at a sleepover at my best friend Rileys at the time. We were playing Roblox together and somehow ended up playing tug of war with a pair of pants (don't ask why). So we were roughhousing and she forgot the bed ended behind me and shoved me off backwards, my legs sensing a can of Canada Dry flying in the process. We all thought it was hilarious so we were laughing our asses off but then I got a phone call from my mom. I told them to be quiet and answered the phone still slightly laughing about the pop all over me and the floor... And then my mom called me and said that my grandpa died.

I don't remember too much about that night but I do remember feeling guilty. Not because my grandpa died, but because I didn't really care. I know it's super selfish and all but I can't force myself to be sorry. My mom kept asking me if I was alright and if I wanted to come home and I told her I was fine to stay there and that I was alright. She said at least I had my friends there to comfort me and I half-heartedly agreed with her. I never ended up telling her my grandpa died and even today she totally oblivious. We literally talked about him living down the street a few hours ago and I couldn't say anything.

According to My mom, that's not normal and I should be able to tell my friends anything. She said "Is she even your best friend if you don't feel like you can tell her anything" or something like that. Maybe I'm the weird one but we're literally in between 6th and 7th grade, I don't think she cares too much about my grandpa dying. Don't get me wrong, she'd care if I told her and she'd try her best to console me or whatever but were both awkward introvert children who have less than a basic understanding of human emotions so I personally think its best for both of us if I to just keep it to myself. Is that a bad thing? Maybe it is I don't know.

Now that I think of it that is probably the reason I write in a diary, as kind of a best friend replacement. I made it public cause maybe people would see and care but no. And I guess that's okay but at the same time, a book or a computer screen cant give you advice on what to do in sticky situations. I don't want to ask my mom or dad, my friends, or any other family so what's left? Now I'm stuck to decide shit for myself and I'm an insecure introverted idiot so it never even works out. All my insecurities and worries and mistakes are all locked away in a book or obscure website for no one but me to ever see.

Sorry if this ramble is a bit random. I just needed to get it out TUT

~Gentleman