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Dr. W's Space Travels
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2021-08-04 22:41:11 (UTC)

Space Cadet Is a Judgmental Twerp

Dr. Wood LVIII

I can’t believe it’s already Wednesday evening. It’s so strange that the more overtime there is, the quicker the days go by. Like the seeming quickness from being busier overpowers the actual increase in worktime. It’s very strange. I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’m always looking to slow down my days, but I also like it when I’m not working. I enjoy the time when I work as much as I can, but I’ll prefer to not be working any day (hence why I never do more than the mandatory overtime requirements). I have a Teams interview tomorrow for a full-on group underwriter position at my work. Apparently there are like four underwriter positions open for my market size segment, plus two more for the larger market. It makes me feel a little good knowing that I’m not competing with a bunch of people for one spot, though I am still nervous. I haven’t done an interview since… well, I didn’t even technically interview for my current position. I went through a temp agency – which was a much better experience than doing interviews, in my opinion. I’ve also never done a video call interview before. Fortunately, I’m very confident in my ability as a prospective underwriter, and I really do think I have what it takes to do well in that field. It’s also an internal interview, which alleviates some pressure. I wish I could’ve gotten a haircut first, but ehh I’ll just shower right before I go live XD

I have to say – mydiary.org has been like a daily thing for me, whether I’m writing entries or reading the entries of others. I’m genuinely intrigued by some of the things people have to share. I love that it serves as a porthole to one’s most authentic self. It’s interesting how with some of the diaries I follow, I feel like I’m getting to know the individual more than anyone else outside of the site. Which makes it almost like a close friendship without any sort of real exchanges. That’s the beauty of connecting with people (I use “connecting” loosely here because, as I just mentioned, many times the diary-reading occurs without any correspondence between writer and reader) on different levels. Uhh how do I phrase the thing I’m trying to convey… so like, one relationship that comes to mine is with my friend Christine, from Germany, whom I exchange emails with about twice a year. They’re loooooong emails, and they continue to grow because we’re caught in a loop of responding to the other person’s message AND providing updates. But with as infrequent as the communication is, there is a very deliberate section of my time that is reserved to talk with her, and a nearly exclusive spot in my life that we share, separate from the rest of everything else we do. So that’s kind of how it is with joining people on their life journeys (except of course it’s a lot more one-way… it’s kinda like following another car on a long road trip haha).

That being said, I still have some nervousness regarding going public with my entries. There was something I wanted to talk about that came to mind yesterday, but I felt the onset of some reservedness because of how touchy the subject matter was. I figured having my entries publics would influence me one way or another, and as expected, it did. It’s really a self-imposed barrier and I have yet to see anything backfire from doing this, but the slight inhibitions exist nonetheless. I’m also a bit concerned with how I come off in my entries – mainly, if I sound really dorky or even kind of kooky. Not something I should really be worried about since it’s a diary and therefore a place to pour my authentic being, but I couldn’t help thinking about that as I was looking through some of my previous posts the other day. Needless as it was to do, I kinda put myself in the shoes of an arbitrary reader – who maybe hasn’t read my previous entries, and understandably so because they number over 50 at this point – and imagined what I would think about this kind of person (“this kind of person” being me). It would go to either “this dude’s pretty cringy”, “this dude sounds so fake”, or “this guy seemed pretty normal until he started talking about marrying androids or trying not to hurt a refrigerator’s feelings”. That third one especially gets to me for some reason. I don’t wanna be the guy who stops being seen as “sane”. Which is why many times I overexplain things in my entries and profusely announce my awareness of my left-field ideas and mannerisms. It’s almost like I’m ashamed of them, even though my true self is not.

The right answer is to not put too much weight on what other people think. But it’s really hard not to when baring myself in a public setting. I think it’s natural to feel that way. Anyway, I realize that I’m a lot more judgmental than I give myself credit for. I’m saying “give myself credit” in a sarcastic way, BTW. I think a lot of my hypothetical self-judgment sessions like what I just mentioned about rereading my entries is related to how I view others. I feel confident in saying that I project kindness and understanding towards others, and I really afford people the benefit of the doubt where warranted. But in the back of my mind, I do keep track of who the “self-aware” people are. This is big with how I view people in my line of work. I correspond with so many different people, and I make microjudgments on how they write, whether they use question marks at the ends of their questions or just periods, if they read my notes or completely disregard them, if they make unreasonable requests, if they greatly misunderstand that seems clear to me, if they are actively forgiving, if they sound like an elementary school student, etc. The Friends Club is another spot where I “keep track” of such things: people who test the moderators’ patience, spam stuff, ping people needlessly, make abnormally weird comments (there’s normal weird, and then there’s abnormal weird…), etc. And then just people in everyday life… in thinking about it, I really judge so much. And I try to negate that with logical approaches – that I can’t relegate a person to my secretive judgments of their levels of self-awareness, that said judgments are completely flawed because they’re made by me, someone who understands very little about the person in question and has no true idea about their circumstances.

This got really convoluted. I can feel my thoughts barreling at the speed of sound down no real path in particular. I guess the connection I’m trying to make is, I do worry about being judged, but my idea of “being judged” is an idea of how I would judge myself, which is in turn a very deeply-tucked standard that I view others by, as just recently realized by me. (Yay I used passive voice, been a while since that was done by me.) I guess it’s good to know that I’m more judgmental than I once thought, though. It’s kinda like – actually, a LOT like – biases towards people of certain protected characteristics. I would think most people wouldn’t consider themselves bigoted, however I’m sure most of us – myself included – have some sort of biases, even ones that we don’t realize, within us. I’ve learned that it’s recognizing these biases that helps us become better, more understanding people. So perhaps me recognizing my subtly judgmental tendencies can help me view others with an even more open mind… and subsequently, myself. Phew, glad I got to wrap up the entry with something that sounds at least mildly profound. Even though it’s not really that profound at all. I’m just too bent on sounding cool and informed in what I write. Anyway, it’s past 10:30pm and I wanted to be done writing this at like 10 so I could play some Maitetsu. I’m still gonna play some, though, and I’m gonna have another ice cream bar while I’m at it (had one two days ago and it was really good!) I’ve got nothing much else to really say, except I hope the interview goes well tomorrow. All right, let’s go play some visual novels and eat ice cream!


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