4th of July BBQ
so I should break up with this girl but I'm definitely avoiding that. I've only broken up with two other people in my life and that did not go well, like at all. I'd much rather be broken up with, can play the victim. eat ice cream, drink ginger ale, commit petty theft, you know, all the things you do when you're wallowing. but this is not about that, this is about a 4th of July BBQ I went to with my parents about a month ago.
parents live in a very republican neighbourhood. also good amount of trump supporters. first off my mom decided she should break the ice by loudly exclaiming that I was now a vegetarian and if they didn't have any non-meat options she would personally shit on the floor of the kitchen. everybody turned to me aghast, the host, who was a very nice guy who I really like, stutteringly said, "well we have scallops and shrimp..." he was holding his hands together as if he were trying to plea down an eight year sentence in front of a federal judge.
thanks a ton mom, I thought before responding, "that would be great, I do eat seafood and all that, not a strict vegetarian," trying to lighten the general consternation I felt amongst the crowd, one guy literally narrowed his eyes when he heard about this unfathomable thing thinking, "this motherfucker..." which to be fair, I can understand, nobody wants to be regaled by the dietary restrictions of another.
so there was a former navy seal at this party. how did I know? he worked it into a conversation within .5 seconds. like dude, take a breath before you start going off on it. apparently he climbs mountains now and does pushups at the peaks to show off (eh, I mean, his version is that he is a motivational coach). dude was intense. he was about the size of a well-fed beagle and acted like it.
then there was a doctor who I realised was crazy the first few seconds I talked to her. I didn't get the full craziness until we started talking about covid vaccines. she was appalled that I was a sheep and would let myself get vaccinated, she leaned in close so that I could smell the vodka on her breath (yes that close) and whispered, "why do you think that no health careworkers are getting sick?"
"I wasn't aware they weren't."
she jolted backwards almost spilling her cherry flavoured vodka drink, "they're not! why do you think that is if they're supposedly getting the most exposure?"
"because they wear masks more and practice more thorough hygienic measures than the average American?"
she narrowed her eyes, "it's because this thing is no worse or more contagious than the flu, half the people - HALF" at this she flayed her arms about her to indicate how big 'HALF' was to be construed, "are faking it."
so then the good doctor went on about how the vaccine was bullshit and then she stopped, stared at me for an uncomfortable period of time and decided it was time to cement the crazy vibe, "you know..." she started breathing like she was about to start a porn shoot, "there's a cure for cancer."
she sat back, smiled in self-satisfaction at my stupified expression.
"they (the government for the non-crazy conspiracy theorists) won't allow it though, you know why?"
she folded her hands in front of her in a demonstrative way to goad me into guessing something so unfathomable,
"I have no idea why."
"BECAUSE..." she started woman-splaining, or doctor-splaining? "everybody makes much more money treating the symptoms than curing the cause!!"
then there was this really, and I mean really, attractive wife. at first I thought she was the daughter of the couple we were invited to (who I was told was home from graduate school) but I quickly found out she was a housewife to some asshole and that she had two kids one of which was a teen. damn she looked fine, the graduate, home for the weekend was on her iPhone the entire god damn time and was more interested in annihilating the shrimp platter (which I was trying to stay close to as one of my few forms of sustenance for the evening).
anyway, we do a group photo and she's all of a sudden next to me instead of her man. she's definitely brushing up against me and I'm getting a chub. the side boob action is going overtime and then she does this great thing where women kind of throw their hair and laugh (she had wonderful black hair that glistened in the sun).
then later I was in the kitchen and she was all of a sudden beside me, "hey nick, I have some really good pictures, give me your phone number and I'll send them to you now!"
I was dumbstruck, I had not expected that at all and I started to get nervous, what do I do? say no? that's weird. "um, okay, sure, it's" and a few seconds later, she sent them right away and looked over her phone like a little kid peeking over a wall. then she gave me this look like I don't know what, like either we were about to fuck in the bathroom or she just wanted some more crab dip. then she whirled around and strutted out.
sigh. this girl I'm about to break up with is super nice, I like her, I do. but as a friend. I feel so bad about this breakup.
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