Third 👁️ Eye Spy

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2021-08-01 16:51:18 (UTC)

Johnny, fucked up

I heard from Johnny last night, just as I posted my last entry. All he sent was "Evening x." that's it, after five days of being elusive and non-existent on planet earth. Well, I made him accountable right away with my response, unwilling to accept that shitty behaviour. A few heightened words were exchanged until he did his usual narcissistic ego boost of claiming I am in love with him and infatuated. I reminded him I certainly was not and he needs to hurry up those scans in hospital and get a brain scan while he is there. LOL, he said I was being nasty, which of course is kids play in comparison to his comments! Such a div.

Then he says "Call meh" smh, I told him he was pathetic and when he answers the phone, my plan was to give him more shit, lol, he sounded drunk, he claims he wasn't but my grandfather was an alcoholic and my mother has been a secret alcoholic for many many years, as well being narcissistic and has major OCD. So, this is why my mother stopped being my mother in my teens, she is incapable but has no intention or feels the need to help herself or receive it from anybody else (me). So, I've been orphaned and my daughter has no grandmother, it is better this way, protect my daughter. It's also the reason why I just mentioned her in relation to Johnny because I grew up having a huge aversion to drunk people. It's the slurring of words and lack of control of themselves that makes me cringe inside because I witnessed it for many years with my mother and grandfather - my mother couldn't be a mother and my grandfather couldn't be a father or grandfather to me, my siblings or my dad. In fact, my grandfather used to beat, and I mean severely beat my dad almost daily when he was a boy. He also killed his dog and smashed up the bike he built with his grandfather. So it's no wonder my father grew up in the rough skirts of Sydenham in London a bruiser, learnt behaviour of violence. My dad grew out of it over the years as he grew up, but he did knock my sister unconscious once, and he did hit my mother and was an exceptionally jealous man, for fear of losing my mother and us (his children) because his father (my grandfather - dead now) always took everything from him with the things he loved the most.

So, when I heard Johnny slurring, who has told me previously he was an alcoholic for years and been clean for one year. It was pretty clear to me that last night showed he is not clean at all. There is no chance whatsoever that I will meet Johnny now, or have any involvement with him. I cannot live through that life again, I see how alcohol changes people, ruins their lives and makes sense why four of Johnny's five grown-up kids (females) do not want anything to do with him, he has an evil tongue on him.

After we spoke on the phone for around 45 minutes and me trying to keep up with his continuous changing of the subject, extremely random and unrelated to one another. I said I was going. A few minutes later after I ended the call he sent me a text message saying, "Ugly cunt". I read it, ignored him, I'm used to pissheads (mother/grandfather) being insulting to purposefully hurt you. Also, I've had my fair share of narcissists - attempting similar to hurt me with verbal insults, defamation. The lot. It's what they do because they have big issues inside them, I don't. So I am hardened to it but that does not mean I will accept it anymore, previously, I did accept it and continue to communicate for I felt they were a part of my life, but these days, they won't get past the first bell chime.

So I ignored his message, "Ugly cunt" and carried on with my evening, unaffected. Then he sends another text message five minutes later, "Apologies. You are not ugly." I reply, "Sometimes I am" he responds, "You are beautiful. In every single way. Words won't bring you down."

He is right, they won't, they don't, not anymore. I literally turn off the acknowledgement button and ignore their pain. Not my problem, especially when you aim it at me, they don't get the privilege of my caring because they gave me none and attempted to hurt me.

So today, so far, Johnny has crawled back into his miserable hole of despair and likely using his bad behaviour and cruel tactics on someone more susceptible to his bullshit. As it stands, it's very likely I am now boring to him as I do not react to him because I couldn't care less about his needs and surely never will.

On a happier note, my daughter and I took some really lovely bright, funny photos of us together earlier when we walked to the train station to meet her best friend who is staying over tonight. While we were there I came over very odd, as I stood in an area of the very old train station platform (known for its haunting of an army man who died there during the war) from my chest to my ankles I felt streams of waves repeating themselves moving through my body, making me woozy and I knew it was this man because I see him and saw his wounds as he was dying. His entire abdomen was blown open, the front of his thighs and shins were littered with shrapnel leaving open gashes everywhere. I moved a little more up the platform to relieve the feelings/sensations I felt but they didnt disperse. Then I smelt his army clothes, an unwashed old musty smell filled my nostrils and I screwed my face up. My daughter felt a tightening of her chest, just as my chest began to tighten and I said, 'I can smell his clothes, very musty, unwashed, Ewww" moments later she said, "Oh, god. I can smell that too now" and she moved away from the area.

I said to her, "C'mon, let's go up on the bridge and wait for Grace." she said, "Alright, yes. Let's go up there." Grace arrived shortly after and we went home. I then decided to go for a walk, this weather is so unpredictable at the moment, it is not like you can predict the rain is coming because we have been overcast with rain clouds yesterday and today, so it's a matter of "When!" I thought I'd mend one of my daughter's tops and got the sewing kit out to find not one single needle! Wtf? Where did they go? My daughter says she hadn't touched them. So off I went for a walk to the shops a little further away, a 60-minute walk round trip.

When I return and get cosy indoors and start sewing, my daughter and her friend decide to go for a walk up to the woods where they built a wood shack before with branches and foliage. They wanted to check on it, it takes them around 35 minutes to get to it, it is right in the woods. So I said, "Take a coat, girls. It's going to rain." My daughter says, "Nah, we'll be alright." I said, "You won't." She says, "Yeah we will." Well, they weren't, LOL, because a couple of hours later the doorbell rings and I open the door, to two drenched teenagers in jeans and crop tops!!! Haha, they looked at me, saturated in rainwater and just laughed. I had already put two big towels by the door because I knew they would get wet, so I wrapped them both in towels and told my daughter to give Grace some of her clothes. I made them a hot chocolate and a pancake with some bananas, grapes and maple syrup on them and now they are all cosy upstairs, lol.

We're off to the cinema tonight, the girls chose the late-night showing of Suicide Squad 2, so we are watching that at 9 pm.

Phil called earlier for an hour or so, all excited that he made a connection with a lady on the POF dating app. She is 35, has no kids and wants to go on the road with him when he is trucking (working). So, that's what he wanted from a woman, so it's going all good for him. I am pleased. He needs to get laid and be loved too :))


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