29th of July, 2021
11:47 PM CEST
The world doesn't make sense. Not to me. I don't understand why people do certain things. Why they react in certain ways to certain situations. Nothing makes sense. Is it supposed to? How am I supposed to act? Or say? Or do? How am I supposed to move my body or know what questions to ask?
Some person on Reddit was really nasty to me, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I just asked a question. I know that their response was irrational and unnecessary, but I don't know why. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. I don't understand. I've been feeling really awful lately. I can't think. I want to scream. Bite something. Cry. I cried for hours yesterday for no apparent reason. Nobody will leave me alone, including my own mind. Keeps on filling itself with obsessive images and thoughts that no matter what I do, I can't seem to get rid of.
Worst of all, I can't explain WHY. Something hurts inside my mind, but I don't know why. I've been listening to the same song again and again, and again, trying to calm myself down, ("The Lights" by Panda Eyes) but it's not working. So I decided to write an entry. It's been 9 days since my last one. Didn't know what to write, but I do now.
And my head hurts. (I'm now fully vaccinated as of two days ago, but I'm not reacting well) It's pounding. Doesn't exactly help. It's past midnight now.
Oh, and I also went to the dentist in Flensburg. Funny story; I told the woman who was doing my teeth that "I had a little bit of plaque" (in German) and pointed behind my lower front teeth, and later when my father asked her (as we were leaving) if I had brushed my teeth properly, she glanced at me, then turned back to him and said, "Just a little bit of plaque." or something among those lines. (It was actually a fair bit, not a lot...just not a "little bit")
I knew that I liked her. I regret not finding out her name. (Her picture was hanging on the wall in the waiting room next to the other pictures of the staff)
I can't imagine that anyone reading this would appreciate a more detailed description of what my teeth look like. (Fine now - normal)
12:11 AM CEST
The world still doesn't make any sense, but I'll be fine. I think. I hope.
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