If I die today
the fost ers family
Guess if your reading this I'm gone but probally like a recking ball. I'm sorry for my offences to you known and unknow. I never inteded you harm or vegence. Theres no real exsplation for what I've done and things are still unclear in my mind and heart this day 7/29/21 even thou its been over a year and almost 2. I'm ashmaed of much of my actions but also still confused and have little discerment on the family I dont know up from down black from white in my expiernce. I do not regret leaving I do regret coming into your home in such a pittful sorry for myself helpless manner and not progressing. Regretfully your accustions against me at least in part are true i am/was?(hopefully was) a liar. While I shouldnt be shot for my clothes i do think I excersised poor judgments but please know eKati gave me those shorts so I assumed her connection to you maybe it was okay but I should have know better. I have found out I am autistic and have some learning disabilites maybe I know maybe I denyed them but that knowledge has made me aware of somethings offendable within me that are blown out of portaion excartatied or even scary just because I literally dont understand. I'm a little diffrent. I was prideful and ourary however you spell that word. Its is not up to me to "save" your soouls or change you I could have shared in a better manner and perhaps i've misrepresented GOD and JESUS and in my own doing I had a plan for you guys to come to me being likeminded while maybe thats not his will excatly. I'm sorry for making your feel insulted by your beliefs. While i still think some is foolish there are some reasonable ways I could have been respectful without insulting my GOD. Truth be told I dont know that I was ever supposed to be in your home I did some things forced the pieces together to try to get myself a home and things. I'm sorry. I did feel very scared of the room change and stressed and also confused. I do not know your true intetnion or heart or circustmances around that I am sorry for assuming and so on. It wasnt good for my needs thou or maybe my wants either way wasnt ideal. Wish I had the commucations skills to express that well and maybe work that out peacefully insteed of building resentment and anxiousness over my perceptions. At this point theres no need to defend myself exspecaily if Im past on. I am sorry thou and I have made corrupt choices and descions and so on. If I had the means which I am not antispating at this time I do think it would be okay if you felt entitled to back rent of 300$ for the bedroom in that time but I would limit that up to April of that year bc I do feel like I didnt willing enter the contract to be moved into the garage. I hope your family prospers in grace and healing. I'm sorry for seemingly betraying cer-a I did consider you a friend and admirable in some ways . I also saw the pressures of things and the struggle. ITs not my place to judge thou and we could even be friends today had we not met on thos terms. I know I hurt you leaving and dont know what you know and or believe about me but I never met to hurt you and hope you do find love and a family ofyour own I know you can do it. billandheather this is hard to know what to say you opened your home to me when nooneelse would and did let me reside when rent failed. I am sorry for not communicating clearly and being cowardly addressing issues. I hope you have provisions set and are able to both find health and healing. Its not my place as a nonworker to judge anotheers work and I am an exspectional case so I encourage you to purse your careers that suits you or to find rest in other provisions . I'm sorry for thinking that everything was bottomline down to finanice and being fearful that Iw as just another $sign to you. I do think that it was threating and innapporiate to say I should be shot for my clothes and that you wanted to beat the shit out of me. That is very harsh statements to say. While I am not innocent that was sccarey for me to hear and I did not know where or how to get help and I assumed that the whole family who was present in that family meeting agreeded with you. That was very intimating. Also in your household I am sorry for making coffee in the basement against yourdesire I was afraid of the stairs at that time but I still should have mentioened my fears and anixetys and social concerns of bieng awake early. I dont know the solution but I am convinced you were smelling coffee when you say I smoke MJ in your house. I do hope if you are commiting any crimes that that is addressed and if you are taking adavatage that you will find personal conviction and make new choices I do not desire or find joy in the idea of any sorta criminal punishment for you. I do desire protection that noone would be on my end or your end of the sitation again. Jo-ey I'm sorry for not being much help to you and stirring the pot. I dont know what to say. I hope you find your way I'm proud of you for standing up for your freedom and seeking your own path. Please go do what you ned stay strong. A-J I'm sorry that you were in themiddle ofthe chaios and confusion and witnessed my weirdnes.s i'm thankful for the help you did offer even when I sick helping me when dizzy. You have a lot of potential and you are sharp and smart. Dont get discouraged in life and please keep growing. Rac-heal I'm sorry that i invaded your home and families place. you are still young. I never meant to hurt anyone mentally or emationally sory for being a stumbling block. Please go forward thinking for yourself and continue being kind but strong. Remain stern in what is right and keep the heart of compassion. I hope you did graduate and were able to celebrate your achievements. As for Annechrisandadrew I'm sory for coming into little drews life and then leaving probaly upsetting my little friend. I never meant to hurt you or your family or tear them up. I hold no ill will and hope that you are continually free and continue to find healing in all aspects of life.
Things sitll are unclear to me and maybe this letter starts a fuery and not healing should I pass. I'm not okay right now with how things happened and I'm not sure what healing looks like for me. Presently I wouldnt want to encounter you alone or even in passing but should it happen I think I would just proceed as if you were not there. Althou maybe I'll find courage to say something I dont know what as I'm amix of emotion and confusion. honestly I would fear the parents physcially maybe assualting if given the chance sowould probally aviod them I dont know that I would have a fair chance of reconsizing anyone anyway its been a while. This does not mean your wicked people or will assualt me it just is a fear I have and how I would react to you inpresent day. I hope you find peace and are able to forgive me for my offences toward you all known and unknown
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