If I die today
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2021-07-28 06:49:47 (UTC)

hey you its me

Dear me,
Theres not even a clear name to suite me now so many last names have ran thru well actually 3 and who idenifies with that. Althou my parents never meant to hurt me. should I take thier idenity its past its dead. I'm dead known as I was but I'm not yet who I am and will be. and what's a SH. whats in my name. I wouldnt have choosen this name based on sound anyhow to get real. The things that matter in life most have no physcial value. The world is scary but its true the cowardly are left out. Courage is nessary to carry on but essistal before checking out of this world. Many many things are so unclear in life right now and It seems that maybe heaven would be a place where things will just make sence. God is not the author of confusion . Althou okay lets be real that it does day he confused laungues in bablaon. and so on but for a purpose. Just cant see God leavuing you hanging thou. Its no less than a miracle to be on this earth today altou often a tedious torturous one where nothing fits nothing makes sence and right is wrong and confusing and hard. but theres a purpose and had I or anoyone or anything else presucceded at taking my life outta this world before God's timing it woulda been murder and a serious offence. This life isnt for me. Althou its easy to want and yearn this world isnt the cure but passting thru. The things that have been healed are gloourious and thinking back what is it to love. I can love and have compassion now. Giving is a gift and while I'm still stingy and greedy I'd hope that down the road giving becomes more a blessing and joyous event not ffor my own narasistic or socialpathic glory thou but the benifit beyond me. And speaking of which there's hope all of these labels and illness and diease I dont have to be pshcyopath althou that seems to have been the easier route. Its dirty scummy slimy and to no avail. Theres still a way out a life beyond me something matters. While I'll never bare children according the doctors thats a gift on the level that right now would I endure it? and also what sorta world am I putting this new life into? And thinking of giving anyhow theres so much that you have to offer. Literaly the information that is good sticks and the expiernces that are real are enteral how and when sharing is possible I dont know right now and while my brain is slef sabboting and not connecting all the dots to put out info in a useful way. It take courage and boldness. I need that . Even just choosing to live like what I believe real is a choice and a BIG one a commitment but piece by piece I hope you remain in truth and strong. Never wanting to face the LORD I know/(knew) or think I know and find out I never knew you. Also if this life is passing way why let those I love fall. My sister is an open vessel right now and I can relate in many ways to the demons literal demons we face and the mental social emotioal battle but how do I redeem that for her sake for my nephews sake. The boy cant barely commucate and for goodnes sake I worry he may be brain dammaged by this seuizure lack of oxgen is damaging. yLindse is a true real friend. eAnn and eMichelle as well. Many people have minsitered to me and tried and tried and I have more friends to mention like eKathele, iPatt ,yNanc, the zSchult and so fourth. not many stick thou. Right now theres still potional and hope and nDea is right here right in front of me. Lets be faithful with this man who needs love who I love and I dont doubt his love for me. Everyone and each expresses in thier own way but he's given me such a gift . About the family this started off harsh I'm not one of them but they need something beyond what I can offer and I may never again see or hear from my brothers and thier families. I guess thats okay. holding ill will doesnt help and its okay that I wasnt perfect to them from the begining. Theres so much I didnt know in life. Its okay to forgive for what we didnt know and things got blown out of portion and snatched by fear there was no looking back. I coulda shoulda woulda done btter but cant so move on but never loose hope and family is more than blood. My parents are aging and on their way out or so the facts point toward althou I wouldnt say 5 or 10 years I know death reigns in my family usually befoer 80's. Its okay to love them and forgive. Its okay to keep them to the extent they want in my life. Its okay that they didnt raise me as I would seeen fit. We are all new people. These people have hearts and hope. While many things dont ake sence no ned to go on living like thier an ememy or offender I'm free now they are free now. They cant own me or control and I cant be respobie for them. Its okay and many times they've come thru as a blessing and whatever the intnetion or goal they have ad patience with me to be true.Theres nothing wrong. As long as they are here/(there) they are a part of life and lifes story and history what makes me me and the groundwork. They matter in this world too. While I dont know how to relate and connect just doing my best is enough doing things with them and for them and let it not be to my own profit unless they are desireing that intention. Its oaky to give some to them. Never would I see myself lving in their current condtions who knows maybe the future connects us on nutural grounds? I think thou it would be beyond what my mind can handle going back to the old thou. And in the mind. I'm okay its okay that my life has been so crazy and its true there's bits and pieces of fault here and there much of the craziness lying decite and so fourth has come from fear. What am I afraid of. Well everything right now still but i've run and run from fear or harm or being alone or being misdaignoised and not fitting in and so fourth. I will never fit it. wasnt made for this world and my heart still deep down desires this purity that w requires a lot more resisetence of temption in this world and a lot more dedication to finding joy in things and letting myself be joyful.. I is my most frequent word. I me my. and so there it is . What If I just let that go. All these attemtps to preserve what I want or my ideas have been futild. Dead useless. So much I have to let go of. It wont happen toeday or tommorow but choice theres choice to do or not do. also its been in my mind why why am I so upset at the idea of 'pshcyratity" what excatly triggers this grueling anxiety now about it all what happened or didnt happen that gives me this harsh resitment? What traumatzed me and at what point was the "hopstial;" my comfort zone, escape and prision? While I cant go back and cnat keep living as the crazy I was and this does not define and yes medicine is evil and wicked. There are real things the brain has been damaged over and over in the phsycial and maybe more than I know intentionally and inentionally. being austic seems to be real I know somehow I cant relate I dont understand it all but holding on and using the knoweldge I have to cope is okay. I'd like to see a life that is simple quite peaceful but joyful. lots of giving. A bolder voice with gentle undertones. It olny seems right to marry nDea given the chance and should be with an urgency. This is my love while we may never have a family being his woman is a huge contrubition to support him in what he has to give to the world. Developing skills as for me as far as domestic chores takes work and time and thers no reason to withhold that effort or be completly discouraged and write off all of life based on failure. Take one thing at a time and conquer something. little steps. Let GOD provide and try not to poision the brainf and body and mind with fruitle things invest in things that are profitable instead. be careful what your eyes and ears cross it makes a diffrence. Engange in the battle and fight for rigghteousness on all levels . while this life seems vain now its not my time to check out so keep going and dont loose hope. Please see whats before you and dont let it go. The person I am today isnt permanment. We're always in transition life is transtional take it as such and accept the change that is right and true

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