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2021-07-28 00:42:41 (UTC)

miserably reactive

i wish, i really wish i wasn't so reactive to people. as much as i hate interacting with them, they really get a rise out of me. i say i have no energy to talk but then when its happening i'm hanging onto every word someone tells me. i hate it. getting attached isn't necessary here. just talk and move on. stop creating false hope on your own. just get over it. pls.

people make me emotional. i cry for them. get anxious because of them. i smile for them. i laugh because of them. all on my own. this isn't right. it makes me feel weird.

dont mind me inserting stuff, i'll do what i want, its my diary, go away

But the thing is, i have nothing good to say. Venting? I have no real problems. Just idyl thoughts about how this or that sucks. And i dont want anyone to have to listen to my boring daily problems. Wasting someones time and headspace like that is just something i dont have the heart to do. This song. Goodbye to a world. Oh it makes me want to cry. In fact, thats why im crying right now. This song and those words. Id only realize im boring when the time comes that its my turn to speak. To offer my piece of conversation or something. Theres pressure, nonexistent but somehow still there. Why do i do that to myself. I make a big deal out of nothing and then when someone offers help, im suddenly just a brat thats been complaining without any of it meaning a thing. I really hate wasting others’ time. I hate it so much. I hate myself. Not this conversation. I should be glad i have no problems. Why cant i just be normal enough to finish what i start.

I just want to be able to function without dying on the inside and abandoning it all.

Its all so pathetic. Any problem that i could really talk about. They were stupid. Meaningless. Why am i so reactive? Is it my thought process? Im such an idiot it hurts. And the fault belongs to no one but me. What did i do wrong to end up like this lol. Its so embarrassing.

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