I realize now though, that maybe the connection I sought was unrealistic. Someone to be sad with. To sit in comfortable silence with. To hold hands with without having to worry about expectations or if what I'm doing is right or wrong. Someone to be free from social niceties with. Someone to be gloomy with. But it's okay. Because I probably don't deserve that anyway. Or rather, it's delusional of me to even dream of it.
For now, I can only be grateful that I am alone, with none to judge me for such thoughts. This music playlist is pretty good.
Something I read is making me think back. To thoughts I had a while back. I used to crave hugs. Like, a lot. Wanting to hold someone or be held. To comfort someone that was sad or be comforted. It was weird. But it was torturous with the repeating thoughts that no one would ever want my help. Even if I was capable of providing it, which I am not (I just am not emotionally ready for something like that), it would be uninvited and unwanted.
I mean, I'd give myself a hug, because I wouldn't be any better off than myself. But I just don't think my presence is welcome or wanted when it comes to others.
That's where I think about how disgusted someone might be to know that they were on my mind. Maybe I just disgust myself but I don't think anyone would want to have anything to do with me. That's what keeps me from meeting people's eyes. From letting them see my face. From commenting or replying to things. I wouldn't want to force them to read my words or see something like me.
This diary is public though, a contradiction. I wonder why. I guess it's a form of release. Knowing that there may or may not have been someone who read through my whole entry for some unknown reason. Or maybe just to make sure that I have some sort of small presence in this world, another contradiction.
In conclusion, my mind won't let me have anything--imagine anything--without reminding me about who I am. And I'm not sure if I can agree with it or not. Should I really be allowed to hope or imagine, or would that be disrespectful to every existing individual? I think I care too much but at the same time, I think I don't care enough.
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