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2021-07-27 21:12:08 (UTC)

Eyes tired

I am tired. I am also tired of my brain putting me through things that are no longer relevant. No, I don't care about these things which have already been established. I feel fine but I am not allowed to relax, not when there are connections at risk. I feel sad? Fine as in somber I suppose. But in a somber mood, fine with me, I cannot interact with others in an engaged manner. By that, I mean I'm probably going to lose a friend because I'm not in the mood to talk and I simply cannot pull out any energy to do so. It's like I'm preparing to be alone already. This is probably the wrong way to deal with this situation but I'm tired. Maybe it's the night times sleepiness talking, but that wouldn't really make sense since I went to sleep at around 5-6am yesterday and woke up at like 1pm.

It struck me to write this because I was thinking that being alone may not be so bad. I hate the amount of effort that is required to maintain connection with people and I don't know why I'm only having these problems now, maybe I just got socially lazy. If I'm alone, there is no one I need to make conversation with or keep entertained. There is only me. And to be honest, when has it not been. As long as I get a cat in the future (and entertaining shows) I'm confident I'll make it. I just can't help the gloominess I'm feeling. And it makes me wonder if I've ever consistently been happy. Like really happy. Or maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing and this is just life and the way I'm coping with it. I should just leave it to future (distant future) me to figure out whether I was exaggerating everything.
I experience sadness, certain periods of time where I feel like crying. But then after that washes over, there is nothing. Just nothing. And that nothingness is not something helps me talk to people. I experience amusement throughout the day, when I watch certain videos, see certain memes or jokes, see something funny happen. Of course, not everything is funny, so of course when I'm done with said activities, there is nothing.

I remain too lazy to make connections because I'm sure someone else will carry that burden, maybe I'm not a people person, I don't think I'm meant to be a friend to anyone and I don't think anyone is meant to be my friend. It's nice to see though. Genuine friendships and relationships where those involved are kind to each other or like each other enough to want to spend time together. Nice to observe but not something I want to experience. I'm much too lazy for that. Too gloomy.
I only came here because I wonder why I am feeling gloomy but nobody is going to answer that question for me lol.


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