Broken Glass Park
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Today a co-worker said to me, "I know you're probably the wrong person to say this to, but do you ever feel like just slashing your wrists?" Then, she said something about how pointless everything was. Her tone was joking, but... DOUBLE-U-Tee-Eff!
I thought about telling this to this one older lady I always talk to (mainly because she is older... I have a much easier time talking to older people... maybe due to being raised by my grandparents?), but then I remembered how she pisses me off when I said "Monk" was going to hit me extra hard because I actually relate to it now - considering that, Monk lost his wife and I lost my husband - and her reaction was "huh," in a slightly interested tone.
I don't actually look for reasons to hate people, but damn, they keep giving me reasons to!
What the fuck is wrong with people?!
Oh yeah... I just remembered something else. Several minutes after the weird thing the co-worker said to me about slashing wrists, I thought of a comeback. I know, I know... always works that way... however... I'm glad I didn't say this: I thought to say, "That wouldn't be how I would do it." Meaning, that wouldn't be how I would kill myself. How would I? I've considered a couple of possibilities, but living through them would be awful. Like, if you fail the suicide, I mean. I can get REAL dark. I have no reason not to be, except to preserve my own sanity and not be completely in the depths of despair all the freaking time. I'm not going to kill myself because even though I don't think I'm going to hell, that would certainly be risking that. Or going to a lower level of heaven where my husband is not at, which might as well be hell. I believe in a very merciful God, but suicide might seperate me from my husband for an unimaginably long time, much longer than my lifetime. A temporary hell yes, but one that could last billions of years, for all I know. On God's timeline, that's nothing! But, that would be more than enough torture and suffering and punishment for nearly anyone! I'm saying that I don't believe hell is eternal (though, it might be for extreme cases like Hitler), but it could last an unimaginable amount of time.
There is a constant sadness, that can only be cured by love from another. At least for now, though, I'm starting to gain an inner peace. Thank You, God. I have God's Love no matter what!
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