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2021-07-26 22:33:21 (UTC)

Identity

I generally avoid the topic of gender and sexuality since it seems intrusive to talk about or ask someone about it. I mean, it really is none of my business right?

So I was in this conversation with this one dude and the question came up, like which gender do I identify with. And It's awkward. Because Yes, I am assigned female at birth. But No, I do not like how it makes me look. Dysphoria isn't something I've mentioned to anyone, for good reason. My family just isn't the place for that, and I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a friend about that. I mean, you don't casually just mention how you try not to look down when you shower to someone. I do not currently understand the concept of gender enough to really pinpoint how I feel. Measuring the masculinity or femininity also would not help since most activities I do can't be categorized by either of those. Reading, watching tv, playing mobile games, listening to music, writing...I'm pretty sure everyone does these things once in a while. All other stuff I do like going to the store, painting nails, or buying accessories and clothes are usually initiated by my sister asking if I wanna come with her somewhere, not from genuine interest on my part.

When it comes to tastes, my interests are so scattered that I don't even try to mark them as one thing or the other. Glitchcore/pop, pinkcore (bc somehow that exists), goth/emo/dark in general, pastels- it all just mixes together at some point and becomes useless.
The idea of being called him/he is appealing, being called she/her is whatever for me, it's an idea that is established but I've attached no meaning to until now. How I want to be perceived.
The problem is that the way I look has a huge role in those feelings. It's like my body stopped trying to look female once it got past the collarbone. I think I have pretty broad shoulders. And I definitely wouldn't say my face is something you'd categorize as feminine. It really just looks like somebody messed up on the design of my body and I just don't know why my parents' genes had to mix like this.

I'd feel more at ease being called he than her (I wouldn't correct anyone if they used any other pronouns). But my body doesn't look the way I'd prefer. It's not girly nor is it manly. It's just ugly to me. And in my current environment, I cannot easily express myself in my own way. I wouldn't say I dress like a boy or a girl. I dress like a homeless person. I love oversized clothes, they're comfortable and look cool a lot of the time.
I just want to be able to accept myself on a personal level. At least to understand. The genderflux and demi-gender are what I'm leaning towards.
Frick it, Genderflux. He/they. Nobody but myself to listen anyway.

What I really need to be focusing on is my deteriorating personality. I just keep getting meaner. I quite literally want to die after every interaction with family these days.


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