If I die today
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2021-07-26 14:12:01 (UTC)

fimilar feelings

yesterday well the detials are a blurr I smoked a bit more than average after taking a pamrin for cramps I got struck by some filimar cramps pretty intense like at an 8. probaly gas related and I took 1 pamprin to start then anyhow I resorted to pot and another pamprin. Slept from about 9/10ish till 515. total time running was around 35/40min I stopped the timer a bit after we got in and settled anyhow I assume we walked about 15min and ran around 20min. did a shorter excersize video after coming home . nothing unusual today got gass with lunch and a gingerale althou I appreciate and swear by reed's gingerale I'm almost certian theres cinnamon in it how much IDK I avnt had a deadly reaction. Last night before all the weed I asked nDea if he felt sorry for me. If he enjoyed living with me and blah blah and he inist he likes living together and wouldnt want to live sepepartly even dating. In effort not to self sabbatoge I just accept that answer. going to pay the atty today is the plan very soon since they close at 5.. I'm still so unsure about paying online as my contract said theres a 3 something percent charge for card payments and I dont wanna take my chances. althou I'm already feeling raped for $$. Also we are getting quarters likely from his bank since my bank will not give me more than one roll. And we need groceries we (well i) made a list so hopefully this helps. Nothing too much in intention in life I love nDea. Radiant-light broadacasitng has been on my mind. maybe since the divorce. I dont recall dreaming last night. I'm not sure my thoughts on r.l.b still cant and havnt discerned was that good or evil? is it good or evil? IDK What to make of it all and I do feel like I've done a lot of wrong there. I know I've grown a lot but I do think I've taken advantage of something there. been watching a lot of dr. phil so yesterday there was this irl who had like 400 hosptial visist so IDK I think that helps me bc well as much as people make fun of and the shame its a real thing and what i've been thru I can relate so it's not just me. then today theres a young man on there in his mid 20's who keeps getting screwed by mental health and labeled and all that crap while he is expierncing real things. The doctor on there today thou showed his sccans from brain trauma and how the areas of the brain effecting behavior emotion and social are effected even descition making and learning but this docotor also showed how they can heal and if you treat the brain you treat the mind. It was pretty hopefull. but also you have to stop poisioning the brain so no drugs or alchol so healing can begin. y'Baile's party will be wendsday now I offered to bring drinks. Trying not to go overboard picking up things when gorcery shopping today defintly a soda someones making homemade tea but I also want to get enough to be a blessing and share but I dont want to go overboard and be a burden as most of the time my giving is burden for one reason or anotheer poor choice too much I dont think its ever been too little. still worried about my nephew sister and niec dont know the best way to be there for them and i dont want to keep asking outta pitty and seem fake how are you every day then when the crisis wares off I'll fade away or ill just fade away bc of inconstiancy. Had v8 energy today after my shower instead of coffee well jsut mainly to clear room in the fridge but its not unsuaul that we stop for coffee running errands. Anyhow gueess this is a ramble now