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2021-07-25 22:32:53 (UTC)

Still tired

I don’t know if it’s my sleepiness talking. Or the natural sadness/somberly feeling I get at night. But I just don’t feel like talking. Still* don’t feel like talking to anyone. Not even my best friend. This hasn’t really happened before, as far as I can remember. I didn’t want to jump to any conclusions since it might just be hormones.

I wanted to write this before doing anything else. Before listening to music that might make me feel emotions more intense than the real ones I’m feeling now. Before searching through google and Reddit results to see if I can find anything that resembles what I’m feeling. Just in case my feelings suddenly change because I’m reading about others’ experiences.
I feel like being alone. Left alone, I mean. Not talking. I don’t have the energy to open my mouth or the mind to think of a response to things like I would normally give over text. I have nothing to say and I’m too tired to think of anything. It’s like my mind’s become dry.

Everything feels a bit…I don’t know how to describe it.
I just don’t like the effect it’ll have on my personal relationships. People won’t like this. If I can’t provide anything, I’ll be cut off from the people I like. It’s not like I actually want to get away from this state I’m in, I just don’t want it to affect that certain aspect of my life.

I could’ve sat in that bathroom, staring, for a few more hours, until I fell asleep or maybe even until the next day. Just taking in everything in that small room and resting on the floor, but I needed to brush my teeth and sleep.

Maybe I’m reverting. Though that wouldn’t make enough sense since I would’ve never done this during the year before last. Or rather, I definitely don’t remember doing that.

Anyway, I only really brought any attention to it because it’s been hard to talk and even [insert bsf name] noticed how my how my texting had changed or how I’d been texting less.
Mum said either stick with it or fake it till you make it and at this point, I just want to go to sleep.

This is gonna be a long entry. I think.

Earlier today, this afternoon I mean, I was thinking about an ideal significant other.
But then I remembered how I’ve always felt that I was Ace/Aro because I’ve never ever been able to see myself falling in love or developing romantic feelings for someone, especially when love (receiving or expressing it) isn’t something I understand well. And I’ve always just been the type to appreciate people’s looks and personalities.

So if that’s the case, why am I yearning companionship? Being alone together with someone. I think it has something to do with my obsession with mutual connections. Then comes the topic about touch. I don’t particularly like nor dislike hugs. I just don’t like hugging any of the people I know now. I’d just rather stay farther away from them, nothing against them though.
But that’s why it’s confusing when I find myself fantasizing about cuddling with a special person or holding hands with someone. I’ve heard the term touch starved thrown around but I’m quite sure that it doesn’t count with me since there are plenty of people in my life that would provide physical contact or affection.

I don’t need sleep, I need answers. (`ヘ´)=3

Back to the tiredness problem. I just don’t like the feeling of regretting become friends or making connections with people because I simply cannot garner the energy to continue interacting with them. It feels rude and it makes me just how aware of how much I’m/I’ve wasted their time.

Yo I just looked back at past entries and I lowkey genuinely seemed cooler. Smh. That is annoying. It’s like I downgraded. Whyyyy.
Wait nvm I read it all, I take it back. I was a cool weirdo. A dumb, cool, weirdo. I was able to just bluntly state what I was thinking. Oh wait, maybe I just didn’t look back because I knew I’d cringe at myself.
Omg I was so- ughhh. No like literally. I would just “oh I’m so bored. Nothings fun. Blah blah blah I want to cuddle someone” like bruh shut up you’re embarrassing me.

A bunch of complaining. But I guess that’s what it means to vent or something.