LustingforNightmares

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2021-07-25 18:52:21 (UTC)

sexuality non-crisis


"Dream On" by Mamoru Miyano [this is the ED for a new anime called "Life Lessons with Uramichi Oniisan." It's a slice-of-life comedy about a children's TV show host who has crippling depression lmao!! Only 3 episodes are out as of now, but I liked it a lot.]

July 25, 2021 Sunday 6:55 PM

It's so weird to sweat from every pore. There was a heat wave in early July that had us all quietly melting away, and that is also around the time that I had just begun running consistently. It was slightly hellish to go out there and breathe the thick air. Being early evening, it was probably on the hotter side of the day, too. I've gotten familiar with the tombstones along my route. I was running through the woods for awhile but, after a particularly bad storm, I found the path was blocked off. Apparently the owners were mad that people kept parking in the cemetery to go into the woods. Which, fair. But now I can't run through—I'd have to run in and back out, which I've done at least once, but the long uphill on the return is not very fun.

Running is sort of nice. I write in my head and then I never actually type it up. In my head, my characters are hanging out and having conversations and laughing or arguing or lapsing into awkward silence. Or I'm drafting an instagram post I'll never actually make. I'll review a social interaction. I'll regulate my breath after a stutter, change the song. Keep my earbuds from slipping out of my ear (can inner ears sweat???). Think about dying, think about the future, think about bright colors and search for the bottom of my lungs with my breath.

Today running was hard. I think I ate too much or I didn't sleep enough. In any case, I don't mind.

I hope I never take this peace for granted, I really do. I'm always marvelling at how nice it is, that I can sit with myself in my thoughts without struggling. The other night, I had so many bad thoughts in a row that I couldn't sleep. I try not to say "I'm going to shoot myself in the face" out loud as often—to avoid startling my parents—so instead I've taken to imagining dunking my own head into a puddle and holding myself down while I thrash and bubble. Slowly, "shoot myself in the face," is evolving into, "I'm going to drown myself in a shallow puddle."

When I was little, my neighbor, who was a couple years older, told me there was a little toddler that jumped off a swing and tripped face first into a puddle and drowned while her mother wasn't looking. That distressed me a lot, I remember. All I could think about was how painful that must've been for the mother, for that to have happened on her watch. At least I think that's what scared me. Hard to tell.

A lot of things freaked me out. Like when my mom had a nightmare that the house burned down but she couldn't get to me because my door was locked and the door knob was hot. After that, I made plans to escape my room if there was ever a fire. In cars and planes and trains, I tried not to think about the special I watched where a train crashed and a big piece of metal impaled a woman through the seat. Or 9/11 and the people plummeting from the buildings (I learned that from the specials they play on TV annually). I decided that if I ever had to throw myself off of a building, I would do it headfirst so that I might die before it could hurt too badly.

I saw an episode of CSI where they were trying to catch a murderer by observing a potential witness. Only the witness died right in front of them and they found out it was because of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. And I remember being afraid of getting CO poisoning after that and always worried when I felt mildly ill and sleepy.

When I got a concussion, I cried really hard mostly because it hurt, but I was also terrified because once, years before, my dad had told me about a girl who went to a hockey game and got hit by a puck. Her parents let her go to sleep and she never woke up again. And that haunted me—not for the dead girl, but for the parents.

I was also mildly disturbed by the thought of hanging off a cliff, because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on very long. The Cliff Hanger bit in Between the Lions sort of stressed me out (although, to be fair, all of Between the Lions freaked me out bc of the puppets). Plus there was that show Pushing Up Daisies, where in the end, they're hanging off a cliff. So on and so on, it was a common trope.

Ooo I just remembered the show Heroes. That was such a cool concept. My sister and I watched it together every week. I remember our favorite character was Hiro. It got bad towards the end so we stopped watching.

---

Been playing a lot of Genshin Impact! I rlly rlly fucking like it.

--

I drove to Boston twice in two weeks. That's about 250~ miles for one round-trip, so 500 miles. Plus probably 200 miles for the day I drove me, Nadiya, Maria, and Nadiya's best friend (goes to Yale for grad school!!! graduated from Oxford!!!! is beautiful!!!! I know that stuff is superficial but it's so cool to know smart people!!!!!!!! I have contradicted myself in the space of a sentence!). Nadiya's BFF is really cool by the way, I LOVE her. I'ma call her Anya, cuz it's a nice name. She and Nadiya went to high school together in Singapore.

It was nice.

--

I love Maria, they're my best friend, but sometimes I get a little... uncomfortable? And I don't know what to do about it. They joke about being in love with me sometimes.

And they also recently saw me on Tinder bc I opened it up to "girls"— which I don't even really know how to begin explaining. I almost just wrote "I've never been attracted to girls," but I don't even know what that would mean. Anyway, that's not what motivated me. It's more that I noticed that my attraction wasn't limited to male-identifying people. I actually realized this a long, long time ago, now that I think about it. It literally only just occurred to me, but I did almost have a crush on this person in HS... I didn't actually end up liking him because we just didn't vibe, but I know he was trans ftm bc we were both co-presidents of the GSA. And then in freshman year of high school, there was this other person—we had a really animated conversation about Mary Shelley, and they told me about how she (Mary Shelley) kept the calcified heart of her late husband in her purse.

I like earrings. Painted nails. Obsessiveness and a slouch and eyes that sort of hurt to look into. I dunno. It never bothered me, but I didn't actively seek it out either.

I didn't remember this until recently until I was watching this person slimykneecaps on TikTok? I legit don't understand it, but I have the biggest crush on them. They're ace and aro, which made my heart sad, but also it was obv never going to happen LOL. When I learned they lived in Vermont in a tiktok, I was like !!!! bc I live 40 minutes from Vermont. But once again :(

It's a nice fantasy though. But given who I am, I didn't hesitate to enjoy watching their lives while also listing off a thousand reasons why it'd never work: aside from the above reasons, I'm not educated enough in LGBTQ stuff and I'm afraid I'd hurt them somehow by being insensitive, and nobody deserves that. Plus they're still in college, so for all I know, they could be 19 or 20. When I was 19 I dated a 23 year old and whenever I remember that I think to myself "wtf???"

I would feel so weird dating a 19 year old at 22. We're at one of those ages where our lives change rapidly so the difference of years means a lot more. Like—for example, given where I'm headed right now in life, it'd be less weird for me to date a 25 year old even though the age difference is the same. Does that make sense?

That reminds me, I hung out with this one 25 year old a couple weeks ago and it was fun. We walked around downtown. He was interesting! We learned he possibly is allergic to honey—I bought a jar from the farmer's market and we sampled it at the stall and he coughed for like 30 minutes and kept saying sorry.

Before we hung out, on Tinder, I said "I'm not really sure I want to date rn" (I mostly go on Tinder to look at pretty people) and he was like "that's fine, we can just hang out." But then he invited me to watch a movie this weekend and I was like "sure, I'm free __ and __. But just to clarify, this isn't a date, right? I'm still not in a dating place." And he HASN't answered me since? Too early to say whether he's ghosted, but jeez. I wonder where the misunderstanding happened.

AH. I'm getting away from the point.

Anyway, I was thinking about my crush on TikTokker slimykneecaps and I learned in one of their videos that they are?? I believe biologically female? And this might be a violation— at what point does it become inappropriate? I mean, is it offensive to think of Britney Spears naked? Is that more or less offensive than thinking of slimy kneecaps naked??

Well, to comfort myself: it wasn't really any sexual thoughts. In fact, I don't even know that my crush on them is sexual at all. I mean, are my crushes ever sexual? It's only that the sex later comes in naturally. It's not that I'm ace, because I know that I'm not, but I'm not ecstatic about having sex with other people, usually.

I was thinking about slimy kneecaps naked (what a weird phrase). Not explicitly. I was more—thinking with my hands, not my eyes. Like how my hands might slip under their shirt and move up over their chest. And I was wondering how it'd feel—how I'd feel. Disregarding that slimy kneecaps is ace and aro and that this would never actually happen: it scares me that I might not be able to have sex with someone even if I really want to kiss them.

One of the things that scared me so much about my crush on Diego last year (see: between January and April 2020) was that I didn't find him physically attractive. But I still felt sparks when he touched me, and felt comforted by his presence even when we weren't really doing much but working. I just wanted to touch him more and keep touching and be as close as possible.

That feels different than what I feel for my friends.

Case study #2?

Melvin. The moment he sat next to me—like, Right next to me. And leaned his shoulder against mine. In retrospect, he was unnecessarily close to me. We didn't even know each other. Why would he get so close. I spent so much time being angsty and paranoid ("does he even like me as a person??? melvin sucks he's so confusing!!"), but what the hell kind of guy presses his entire side into your side days after you've met just to take a look at a video together. It was not necessary! I think he might've liked me a little. But I'm sure that feeling dissipated shortly lmao. I'm so mad at myself for not noticing that lol.

All I remember was being startled by the fact he touched me and that he was so warm and that the weight of it was nice—and also I could immediately smell him and he smelled so nice. And then I had a crush on him lol. I did imagine us having sex sometimes. One time in the middle of class.

I dunno—I'm so confused by these different strains of attraction. The immediate and strong physical/emotional pull I felt towards Melvin. The slow-growing emotional attraction to Diego. And then whatever it is I feel for other genders sometimes. That Calc TA I had in freshman year that I just wanted to hug and feel because she was so pretty. And then the other girl in my spanish class. It's hard to tell what sort of crushes those are, because they're not quite sexual and I'm not even sure I want to kiss them.

This is all to say, I haven't figured things out and I don't really even know how to go about doing it (it feels oddly unethical to act on Tinder matches). I'm a little too caught up in my chill-act. I'm afraid to be something I can't explain or don't recognize.

---

Maria saw me on Tinder. I proceeded to block my contacts but yeah, and they tried to talk to me about it. They told me they'd swiped right (lol) and I rolled around on their air mattress with my hands on my face and said, "Oh god, that's so embarrassing. It's not what you think" and then they were like "Veronica. It's okay to—" and I basically went "Shut up! No! This isn't a thing! Lalalala!" until they laughed and shut up.

I was on the phone with Nadiya and Maria on Friday night. Both were drunk, and I listened to them (mostly Maria) ramble for the entirety of the 50 minute walk between the gay club in Boston back to their home in Cambridge. Maria said something troubling—said between me and Nadiya, I was the only one they had a chance with.

I don't know. It makes me uncomfortable to hear these things. Maria is my closest friend.

Ah, well.

I'm done for now, I have to take a shower cuz I smell sweaty after my run and I have to pee. And I ended up ranting way more abt my sexuality than I wanted to, lol. It doesn't matter—I don't even date people. All I want is to kiss someone and have it end there. Have it just—consist of kissing. Forever. Kissing and intimate touching, but sex is fake and no one's ever heard of it. Is that so much to ask??????? Yes. it is so much to ask.


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