If I die today
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2021-07-25 09:31:10 (UTC)

I guess I know what falling in love feels like

not too much interesting with the physcial state same old same old stuff. slept for bit last night with several wakeups in the morning some related to the dog. took him out around 8ish for a 30min or less walk. just finshined an excersice video this morning. Been texting my sister then niece. My sister is having trouble mentally her and her husband keep replaying the image of thier son"dying". My niece didnt witness it. IDK I'm not sure how to help. Well yesterday I was thinking obvisouly the wedding happend with is okay its cool. Actually its a good thing and well least theres hope for society to do it right. Unsure if I was actually invited or not but assume not or maybe I misunderstood. Didnt go to dinner since I wasnt asked again that wass my sole reasoning for not going just being unsure. Anyhow so I was thinking to when we first started dating I used to try to and maybe did have some compassion and understanding of this woman. The C monster and at one point I was even like hell if we're gonna be together and she wont leave guess we'll adopt her and get a room for her. And IDK orignally i had no idea what he wanted and thought maybe it was just a weird sex thing and we wouldn move on but he made it very clear from day one (We didnt even have sex for weeks) that he wasnt wanting a piece of ass. Anyhow so just thinking what changed why am I so sour when did it get well wicked and partically I care about people and have a personal vengeance on narcist and I do think she's some sorta mental abuser and then well I love this man so its kinda an offence to see him taken adavanagee of and minuplated. tehn it gets well I love him I want him and shouldnt have to share I want all of him and no compromise. but the fact I feel so strong is like a passion for him not of hate. Then whole thing with bounderies thou its for me. I'm not worried about him wanting her boy it pisses me off and burns me up when she crosses lines and he seems to surrender or sumbit and give too much. Personally I dont think he owes her a dime or ounce of his attention other than when it comes to his aughter and in my eyes even at that he should be calling the shots of what he wants to do and or give and provide for his family. but thats another issue. Anyhow I think the whole love thing got me by suprise and I dont know how to love or if this is love but theres a change and yeah know I want to love him and I know the way that i want him has grown and changed and I feel that hes for me. sooo that says something right? Anyhow got the bill today 94 dollars due byt the first bc the atty sent 3 emails.. grrr oh well guess will chalk it up and keep payin them I ned this divorce and would like ot live in purity and have a marriage who knows what will come. Still thinking on the fact we dont have to live together I shouldnt have moved in. I wish we woulda waited but I dont see how turning backwould work and what thatll look like aand truth be told the'red likely still be sex so doesnt help my case at all but Its like he never had time to heal and all these little detials and things with his daughters mother never had time to be worked out and he never got to really know what I was. I mean this is me slop food half ass conivenc cleaning and forget about clean dishes. The sad part is this is with the effort I have. I dont know how to do better or highlight any skill I do have if any. Tehres not miuch I can offer him so I have no idea why where here or where to go but I do believe he loves me and I love him. Its not that I mind his family at all just that boundery needs to be set why should another woman an ex come into my home wanting my man with unknown intentions cant they just keep doing that at chuckecheese while she uses her scapegoat granddaughter the woman doesn seem to show a heart of compassion being beyond using and abusing the people in front of her but it does all get sad as she is sick and isolated and many things and probally imcapable ad lets face the truth that perhaps I've shared some of her traits pass and decusicutingly maybe I do now I ooften have to remind myself not to be a phsycopath naricsist as far as being autsitic and dysfuntional thou I kinda just allow it bc I dont know what to do but I hope I'm not a jerk. Well I guess i should let the day go on.