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2021-07-25 00:20:41 (UTC)


You know, I was thinking a moment ago and I realized. I’ll probably have to act so energetic for all of them. I don’t want those two or that other person who suddenly reached out to get tired of me. I especially don’t want her to leave me. I don’t want to evoke the concern of my dad, the unnecessary and grating comments from my brother, or random check ins from my mom or sister.

Not to mention the fact that they’d probably genuinely care, it’s wasted on me really. Since I just want to sit and wallow in my own fatigue and isolation.
I’m really not built to support that mood that can bulldoze through conversations. Maybe it’s just my tiredness talking. I spent a lot of time with my brother today. Because I ended up doing down that Reddit rabbit hole again. It didn’t end on too bad of a note, I just excused myself as I was starting to become increasingly irritated and less tolerant of the things my past mood allowed me to ignore.

I’m hungry. Too lazy to go get food. I do genuinely dislike about myself. My laziness. I wish I just had more energy. I almost don’t even want to go back to a full social battery tomorrow. I’d rather stay in bed and listen to music. I’m so tired. My neck hurts.
I don’t want to do anything. Watching any show or movie, reading a book or novel, getting out of bed. they all sounds so strenuous. Just chore-like. Too much.

There truly is no comfort here.
Not in people, my mind works in overdrive to make sure I don’t offend or to try and figure out how they feel. Not in myself, I think too much and sometimes my mind doesn’t feel like my own, and I just can’t think, at all. Those times are sad. They make me feel insane. Out of control. Sad.

I’m sorry for being so negative. I know it’s probably just how sleepy I feel right now. I know that and yet, the feelings remain. Maybe it’s the music. Sorry my mood doesn’t remain static the whole day. Sorry I failed today too, I really meant to get all of that stuff done. Oh wait, I didn’t. I stayed in bed since I was feeling lazy. Man, I just keep giving myself reasons to dislike myself.

Is there a way to stop having to do anything whilst simultaneously doing everything perfectly, or at least meticulously?
Sounds like separating mind from body.

You know, I really like talking in here. Makes me feel like someone’s listening, when I’m sure no one would ever actually read to the bottom. Whenever I see that someone’s viewed an entry, it genuinely feels like I’ve clickbaited them because I just know this isn’t interesting. Nevertheless, here I am.

I’ve never really succeeded in completely separating my mind, thoughts, from my body, and brain. Would it be easier? Would all my desires to self isolate and go to sleep simply disappear from my physical form? It usually all just weighs down on my eyes and gives me a frown.

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