เผบโ™ก๐“œ๐“ผ. ๐“Ÿ๐“ฒ๐“ท๐“ด๐”‚โ™กเผป

โ™ก ๐‘…๐‘’๐’ถ๐“ ๐’ฏ๐’ถ๐“๐“€ โ™ก ๐น๐’ถ๐“ƒ๐“‰๐’ถ๐“ˆ๐“Ž โ™ก ๐’ฎ๐“‰๐‘œ๐“‡๐’พ๐‘’๐“ˆ โ™ก ๐’ซ๐‘œ๐‘’๐“‰๐“‡๐“Ž โ™ก
2021-07-25 01:11:00 (UTC)
image for 5 months Sobriety

5 months Sobriety

The urge is seriously getting too much to handle.
I had the blade in my hand.
I can feel it mentally ripping my skin.
I have not done it.
But I don’t think I’m going to make it.

All I can do is forgive myself if I fall and pick myself back up.

*deep sigh*

That’s just the mild thoughts at the moment.
Past two days prior to right now…..
Thoughts have been…….
Well….
Honestly…..
Not good.

I’m tired.
I’m emotionally tired.
I’m done.
I seriously can’t handle anything anymore.
I really have thoughts of just…..

I’m human.
It’s ok.
When the ideas and thoughts become a full plan….
Then….

Well, no one would know till after.

I feel so unimportant.
Used.
Insignificant.

I tried to cry today…
I couldn’t let it out.

Sad.

Wish these meds would work all the time.

My youngest daughter surprised me with a visit yesterday.
Said she was in the area and asked to come by.
I said sure.
I admit….
We hit a few.
A one time only thing.
I was in a ton of pain.
She said it’s ok.
So grabbed my decorated double locked box.
Then unlocked the box inside that one.
And pulled out both pipes.
We discussed the dispensary.
Grabbing me a pen.
They claim it’s legal.
So hopefully they can take me Tuesday.

It will help with pain, anxiety, but depression?
No clue.
I don’t like the high feeling tho.
Reminds me of my drunk hungover days.

Things bugging me I can’t seem to spit out.
I’m angry.
I’m hurt.
That doesn’t help.

Going to grab a cig and my water and curl back up in bed.
Love, no matter what kind…..or for whom……
It hurts.
Love, sucks.
Love is disappointments….
Love is lies….
Love is misunderstandings….

Blah.

Only love that feels right….
Love for myself.

Just wish I could shove that love for myself up everyone else’s ass or down their throats.

Good night/morning
๐Ÿ’‹SYOTFS




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