If I die today
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2021-07-24 08:35:49 (UTC)

not dead

Last night found out from mom that the doctors say hJos didnt die he had a sezuire and that when they were working on him my sister couldnt be in the room so maybe she thought he died based on what she felt and the turning blue. He's home now but on sezuire meds had a negative MRI but the bloodwork showed some sorta infeection that was unspeficed. Gheeze. Personaly IDk what to want or hope for him/them bc going home having another sezuire or worse isnt good but is the hopstial any safer? In my world well I did some intentional smoking last night just cause lets try to get out my mind. Althou bad use of my life but whatever. Slept from about before midght and 8ish I decided to get up I did see a few hours inbetween of waking spells. Dreamt again something about me and nDea watching my sisters children and then other people were over adn something about using the bathroom with no door the door was down and Imade noise trying to put it up and then I was too scared to put it up. Anyhow been dreaming for week or2 now every day and sorta remebering not sure whats up with that. There was sex last night but thats pretty usual. went to artinthepark it was unimpresseive to me this year but I guess for an artist ordecorater couldnt been hog heaven. then we had outback for dinner. It was spendy the burger was good. way to much seasoning on the shrimp and I think I shoulda ordered unseasoned bc I had some gas after and just well my mouth felt allergy like so now I know dont do that again. I saw a lady in the obituries today who did good her obituarly was long but A few things I wish my life would resmeble but thats not gonna happen she sounded like an amazing lady raised 5 children had 5$ left over for fun in their budget reguallry and she spet hours cooking and serving her family. It said they were key people in the church that has now changed it name but anyhow it also mentioned somethings that make me think she may have lived a pure and holy life for the LORD. Althou I dont envy the going to church part. But anyhow she contrubitued to this world. It was a few paragraphs written about her. so have some ideas and some desires to do things diffrent althou physcially I wont have children accordning to the doctors maybe theres ways to redeem he time and at least be productive and do something right least be able to prepare a deciet for meal fo my love or somehing IDK. I think I could literly budget 5$ a week if I wasnt greedy maybe thats a start.

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