2021-07-24 03:33:29 (UTC)

To you, part three

To you,

I believe that this thing, this diary, journal, whatever you may call it is working for me.

I have been trying a few things lately to cope with what I've been going through these past few years. Some of them worked but only for a short amount of time. And some of them didn't exactly have the greatest outcome as I expected there to be. I think writing things down is better for me. My parents have considered therapy and have brought it up numerous times. And what I have to say to that is, well, I'm scared. It's not that I don't mind it. Really, I don't. I think therapy is good. I just believe that deep down there's a part of me that just doesn't trust this person I'll be talking to. They are professionals, yes, I know. I shouldn't really be scared. But this is perhaps is stemming from years of broken trust and people stabbing me in the back with things I have told them. They used my own pain against me. Used everything that ever made me feel so small against me and my being. I've watched people leave after they used me and in the end I always feel like I'm the one that screwed everything up. That I was the cause of them leaving. I'm too boring. I'm too emotional. I'm not enough. Too much pain. Too much baggage.

These are the thoughts that run through my brain constantly.

It's a pain having to deal with things like this. I have considered therapy in the past. I'm just scared of trusting people again. I'm scared of letting people in. I believe that's why I'm not great at making new friends anymore. I have a small group. Very small. And they are the people that care. They are willing to stay and not use me and they listen. I care about them too. And I trust them. Or at least I feel like I do.

I wonder why people do that to each other—use someone else's pain against them. Is it because they'd rather hurt that person before they get hurt, or is that they're just scared of opening up about their pain as well?

I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that. And, really, I don't think I want to. I just want to see the good in people and things like this tend to cloud my vision.

But I believe this right now, writing here, is a good option. I'll consider therapy. I'll look into things, do some research. I just want to get better.

I'm having a good day and I hope this feeling lasts for a while.

From me.