You know I’m noticing. That I tend to shy away from conflict. I hate to be near it or be related to it, or be mixed in it. I hate the yelling. I hate the crying. I hate the anger. The amount of emotion being directed at someone. The open judgement that is exchanged.
I made those promises with confidence. I said all those things about wanting to be perfect but I forget something as small as that. Why is it that my memory decided to fail me during a time like this? I made a promise, I said it would happen but it didn’t. That means I lied. No, not even that I lied, I simply failed to make it happen because of a stupid mistake.
This time I can’t rebut that voice that calls me an idiot because that was my call. I was meant to make sure it happened and I didn’t. Why is my brain like this. All that thinking and I can’t even do anything right. I’m always in my head but nothing good comes out of it.
It was my fault.
I don’t want to watch tv anymore. I just want to go to sleep. I didn’t want them to have to go out for this, they were probably asleep before that too and oh that just makes it ten times worse. Why am I so dumb. I shouldn’t have even gotten anything on the way home if I wasn’t gonna get his stuff. I miss school. I wouldn’t have time to make mistakes if I was in there. It’s always like this. Every single time.
I just want to sleep. And it’s really taking all of that desire to have a routine away. To just sleep in. No worries. Just stay in bed and read. And watch TV. And play games. And not mess up personal relationships. I don’t want anyone to walk in here and see me cry. That would just be the cherry on top. I’m just done.