༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2021-07-23 10:10:00 (UTC)

Damn Depression


Oh malicious depression.

Always there, never fading away, or going away in this case.
Coming at me like she's my first priority.

Staying in my life because I guess I like the company, the feeling like there's always a weight on my shoulders, always a reassurance that I'm definitely not going to be in the mood for anything besides sleep and sometimes not even that.

Depression is my side chick, not only because I need some difference in my brain, some pizazz to keep things spiced up, or spiced down, but because my brain needs some company while the main chick happiness is away.

My side chick goes away sometimes when the main is in town.

While happiness is with me I'm always scared because what if depression finds out and comes to win me with pure determination.

So I ditch happiness...

Depression gets total control over me and I can't seem to find hope of ditching her and finding someone like happiness again.

Depression finds the time to insert unwanted thoughts into my brain, talk to me like I'm some slave to it, I guess I am in a way.

She's inconsistent in her time with me,
I talk to happiness still to fill in the times when depression isn't there, it's not the same with her.
Sure we're close and spend time together, but happiness is never really there with me like she was prior to depression.

Depression is jealous that I spend time with happiness, but I can't help it.

Happiness will always have a place in my brain.

Unlike depression happiness has been there since the beginning.

Depression came along for the attention a many many years ago and now we're in a relationship that only goes one way.

Depression loves me, I definitely do not love depression.

I hang on to depression since she's all I have left...

Happiness is at the back of my mind constantly wanting to be set free from my thoughts.
I just can't let go,

Can't let go of the feeling happiness gave me, can't let go of the love she gave and still gives to me as a far off friend.

You see happiness found relationships in the people around me, she is constantly prominent in their lives, they never fail to give her attention, treat her like the priority in their lives.
I miss happiness, she was great...

Now I have the *itc* called depression and she's not leaving anytime soon, so I sit with her, attempt to love her and fail miserably at doing so.

I try and tell her that I don't want her anymore but she keeps coming at me with kindness and affection.

So now I just sit with her and happiness is held in the back of my mind slowly fading away and depression is now my partial past my entire present and most likely to be future.

Went to bed in a mixed up mood around 2am.

Slept till 9am.
Only to wake in the same mix mood.

Struggling with the fact i allowed someone to get into my head and I got pissed off at a snide comment.

I shut my phone off last night, it’s still off.

I don’t want to talk to this person right now.

I’d like to hear an apology.
Not going to happen.

Just irritating.

Got up, made my coffee.

Went for my morning walk.
Trying to “harden up”
I should have known better.
Thankfully ,
I kept myself grounded and didn’t let my heart open too much.

Cleaned all the stainless steel appliances
Swept the floors
Fed the cats

Waiting for the morning dew to dry off the grass
Go cut grass for a little bit
Do it 30 minutes then 30 minutes break

I won my attack on battle island last night while I slept
That was a nice surprise

Need to call for a refill on medications
Run to town for smokes

Still need to vacuum and steam clean the carpets

Got pictures of the beautiful moon last night
It’s oddly scary yet calming when you venture out late at night here
All the corn fields and wildlife
It’s dark
It’s oddly beautiful and peaceful with that twinge of fear

That fear gets the adrenaline going
Gets the blood flowing
The heart racing
Making me feel alive

Been questioning what my purpose is
Been questioning a lot lately

What’s the point in having people in your life if they don’t put in the extra effort?
I seriously go beyond trying to show I care and love people

I get everyone is different in that aspect
But I’m wanting to stop giving so much
Give only what they give

The lack of effort is why I have very little expectations on people

There’s those who show me they care and love me
And I’ve been slacking on showing them
All I can do is apologize

I’m doing the best I can in my mixed up mad world where I want to hide in the rabbit hole where a different world is waiting to be discovered to help me escape reality