New Horizons

Living Without Lighting
2021-07-23 01:56:31 (UTC)

Envy

My emotional life is a rollercoaster. One day will be embraced with optimistic elation, while the next will be spent in suicidal despair. The only time I find any balance to this is when I'm not actively thinking about my future. In other words, doing nothing with my life.

Out of interest I took a gander at the LinkedIn profiles of my stepbrothers and someone I knew from high school, and the results triggered me. My old classmate is doing environmental research for Berkeley, studying the evolution of mollusks over Earth's tectonic history or something. At twenty-one he's already made multiple scientific discoveries, not to mention back when I knew him he had an affluent photography business as well.

As for my stepbrothers, one's got a BA in Economics while the other possesses a BS in Criminal Justice. Both of them managed to land jobs at the first internships they've ever took. If I remember correctly my accountant stepbrother is making like $50k a year, not to mention he's gone on multiple business trips and has already earned a promotion.

I often think about what sort of legacy I'd be leaving behind if I died. A swathe of text-files, filled with bizarre and immature stories of my favorite characters and their adventures? Some forgotten rants from my pre-diary days? I think the greatest thing I've created is this journal. Everything within these texts is the real me, a literary mosaic of my feelings and passions. Yes, my diary would be the most significant thing I could leave behind.

I've done some impressive things, like my Americorps service and film projects. However everything about life just seems so damn mysterious. In my lab classes I've always been the one who struggled the most, hell, even during orientation I was the last one to leave the advising room. And I STILL don't have my shit figured out yet. I've always wondered if I'm actually mentally defunct but no one cares to tell me that. Like I'm destined for failure and it's only a matter of time.

The only thing I have control over is what I decide to do with my time. I've begun putting together my 'tech blog', I forgot how much of that stuff is aesthetic design. I can come up with article ideas on the spot, make them 500-800 words and publish weekly. Do it for a month or so and tell my friends about it.

It's stressful seeing where everyone else is at in life compared to myself. I'm not even close to reaching their level of success, while at the same time I'm unsure if I ever will. Perhaps I'll find that career. Otherwise, melting in the dirt is always a guaranteed full-time gig.




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