rainbird

Random ramblings
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Ezoic
2021-07-22 22:20:36 (UTC)

Processing thoughts

My emotions don't surprise me most of the time. I feel too much and am always feeling something so that's not new. It's how I react to my emotions that does and recently I haven't reacted very well. This time is an exception. I'm surprised at my emotions and at the moment I can't really process them so this entry might be all over the place. I guess it's a good thing I haven't processed yet because I haven't reacted.

The relationship with my biological father has always been weird. When my mother and I were in our country of origin I remember he used to visit here and there but I don't remember what happened, what we did together if anything, or if we just talked. I don't know why I can't remember. I stopped seeing him when I was 8 years old because we moved, so you'd think I'd remember something but no, not really.

I never missed him. It sounds messed up to say but that's how I felt. My grandpa was my dad to me so I never felt a void or need for a fatherly figure.

When we moved to the U.S my grandpa stayed behind, and my biological dad only called for birthdays or holidays. The conversations were just casual and if memory serves me right, he'd always ask if my mom was working or whether she had money, (he didn't ask me that question I just vaguely remember hearing it) and the fact that he'd do that upset me. So I never looked forward talking to him. Memories are inaccurate and blurred, so I shouldn't fully blame him because that is hanging in the air, just like the other memories I have of him.

My grandparents are not too fond of the guy which, whether right or wrong, is understandable. Tell me about a family that actually likes and accepts their children's spouses or partners? I've never heard of one. My grandmother said the man was lazy, didn't work, and did drugs that's why mom left him. My grandpa has a grudge against him because according to him the man never helped mom when I was little. Mom never talked bad about the man, (partly perhaps because she believes children should not be set against their parents which I understand), and she says that her parents never supported her with her partner at the time which I bet must've been tough. In addition, mom thinks her parents need to let go of their existing grudges because holding on to them it's a waste of time. I don't know what happened and part of me really wants to know. I don't know why, I guess I shouldn't care but I do.

Recently as of last year or two, biological dad started calling mom more, wanting to talk to me. At first the calls were casual, nothing too close like always but the calls started to be frequent. He got my number and started calling me directly which was better perhaps because mom got angry that he called her on her phone, (I have mixed feelings about that but more on that on another entry).

The conversations became more interesting bit by bit, I learned what music he liked, how he views education, he has no problems with parties, seems to be kind of on the liberal side. A lot of his views I don't personally agree with but it is what it is. As time went by I always reminded myself to be careful. Sure he was not a constant father figure and I can't say he was responsible but I have nothing against him; and that for me meant he's a stranger so talking to him was easy. I reminded myself to be careful not to get attached, and not to open up too much. And I didn't. I learned more about him than he did about me. Perhaps that's unfair? I didn’t get attached per se, but honestly, I couldn't help but compare him and mom. There were times where I felt like he was on my side, kind of like a friend but not really, I could talk about whatever without caring what he thought of me how he views me or judgments. He was supportive (unlike my mom,) and never really judged. There were times when I really wanted to ask how to deal with her or a situation but I didn't, that meant I'd have to open up and be vulnerable and I was not ready for that. If he faked it he faked it well.

And all of a sudden he stopped calling. I haven't reached out either partly because of pride. I don't miss him per se, but I am thrown off. I want to know what he wanted from me, why he started calling. I sometimes have a weird view of human relationships; sometimes I think relationships are formed for mutual benefit or convenience, reciprocity and so on (which means we use each other then leave when it no longer serves us, that's hard to swallow). So if he wanted something from me I wouldn't have judged. We gotta do what we gotta do and I can't knock it. Did he want to form something with me, but sensed my disinterest and gave up? I don't care why he stopped talking to me or the fact he stoppeD (he can do what he deems appropriate) but if he wanted me to make it easy, pretend like all is wel, and me make all the effort to communicate and get close to him then he was wrong. Or maybe he already got what he wanted, or realized I couldn't give. I also would like to know what really happened between him and mom, (which for all I know all these people are liars, they don't have to tell me anything, why would they?) but at least get his point of view.

So I'm conflicted. I don't know what to think. I don't know if I should just reach out to him, if he answers then ask my questions and then drop it and not contact him again, or not contact him at all and go on as if nothing happened and be ok with not knowing. Reaching out to him he might think I care about him which I really don't so that is difficult. Not reaching out is so much easier but curiosity kills the cat. I should really not find out because at the end of the day why find out?


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