Empty From Inside
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I don't even know anymore if it's my fault that I yelled at him because I was jealous or it's his fault that he can't make the girls in his gang believe that he is in a relationship with me.
It has come to a point where I'm not even angry at it, it have become a laughing stock for me.
His so called friends which he used to tutor now has become so important that I talk to those girls directly and warn them to keep distance from him. Why so, because they are in their 12th standard and me telling them to keep distance will harm their mind and their studies. Like fuck with my feelings I have to wait and watch them coming and going as if they are soulmates and he has to keep up with them.
Why is that I care for him and don't want him to feel insecure from seeing me talking to some random guy not even a frnd on mine and there he goes around planning bdays with a female friend I'm not supposed to know name of her and yet I accepted it because he was very much exited and happy about it.
And yet he dared asking me on my face whether he goes out with a lot of girls.
Some days ago only he happened to gave his close guy friend my no. And coincidentally we happen to click somewhere in the conversation and kept talking till 1, then I said bye and carry on with my general routine ( which is to drain myself to sleep by 4 in the morning). He felt horrible seeing both of us talking to freely saying I can go and do whatever I want but he won't accept me making another mistake, as if I ever did in his case. The only bad thing I ever did to him was to break up with him without clearly saying anything and started going out with one of my ex.
But he won't accept the reason behind our break up saying that I'm making excuses and only thought about myself. Was it wrong of me to think about myself, we were a lot worse before than now. Like he used to talk a lot about all his female companions and if I asked him once about what he wanna do in future, I have to wait and watch him because he will tell me about it after he accomplished it but when he talk about some of his female companions he slips the words like she told them what he was doing in life or gonna do, like why the fuck they have answer to say but I have to wait for it...
I can't write more all this is getting blurry...